Johnny Cash Performing

Like so many things in the entertainment industry, strip club songs have become over done and over played. It really feels like every strip club across this country plays the same seventeen tunes. (I mean, I think. I’ve never even been to a strip club. I swear.) There are only so many times you can watch a stripper work the pole to “Shake It Fast” by Mystikal. Motley Crue’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” is so obvious it borders on the stupid. (Okay, it doesn’t border – it lives smack-dab in the middle of the Kingdom of Stupid.) And if I have to watch one more exotic dancer (term used loosely) grind to R. Kelly’s “Feelin’ On Yo Booty” then I will officially no longer make it rain.

Strip club DJs need to start thinking outside of the box. They need to stop spinning the obvious (with the exception of “Milkshake” by Kelis which, hands down, is the best stripper song ever to contain lyrics about a dairy treat). Plain and simple, they need to get weird. Below are ten of the most inappropriate songs that a stripper could ever dance to. All of them add a certain delicious sadness to the spectacle of you paying money to a woman to show off her cans in public.

1) “Luka” by Suzanne Vega: Nothing like a song about unreported child abuse to get the strip club poppin’.

2) “Killing In The Name” by Rage Against The Machine: Strippers will “make them clap” when you bust out this jam about police brutality and institutionalized racism.

3) “We Are The World” by USA For Africa: Starving kids + naked chicks = sexy time.

4) “Brick” by Ben Folds Five: A boy and girl go get an abortion while her parents are out of town. Now, who’s got a fiver that I can shove in this stripper’s thong?!

5) “Angel” by Sara McLachlan: It’s the song used in Ms. McClachlan’s commercial for the ASPCA to end animal cruelty. Let those images flood your brain as you get fake breasts shoved in your face.

6) “Jeremy” by Pearl Jam: Bullying? Check. School shooting? Double check. Teen Suicide? You’ve just hit the trifecta for sexiest song ever.

7) “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails (Johnny Cash version): “I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.” Damn, we need to get some bottle service up in this bitch!

8) “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot: A song from the 1970’s about a real life shipwreck in 1958 that killed all twenty-nine crew members. If more DJs played this jam then more guys would get laid in the champagne room.

9) “Mad World” by Tears For Fears (Gary Jules version): It is a stone-cold fact that strippers love the movie “Donnie Darko.” Get the DJ to spin this cover and you are guaranteed free lap dances for the night.

10) “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want” by The Smiths: For when you want to see a stripper cry while she gives you a lap dance because she hates her life.