basketball dunking

There are many more important abilities to have in a basketball game other than dunking – being able to defend the pick and roll, a consistent mid-range jumper, a tenacious attitude when it comes to offensive rebounding. Intellectually, I understand that these abilities and many others supersede the ability to dunk a basketball. Emotionally, I don’t give a s*#t.

I have never even been remotely close to being able to dunk a basketball. There are some things (some) that I can do well on a basketball court. Jumping is not one of them. But I, like most guys who love the game of round ball but are vertically challenged, have dreamed of being able to throw down a dunk at will. Literally dreamed. I have had dreams of dunking a basketball and when I awoke the next morning I was pissed off for the whole rest of the day because it wasn’t real. I want to be able to dunk a basketball. Bad.

Just to be clear, I don’t want to suddenly grow eight inches and become a giant. I am five feet eleven inches. I want to be able to dunk at this height. I also want this ability to dunk to last forever. I want to be sixty-three years old and still throw it down hard. And when I say dunk, I mean DUNK. I want to be able to perform any and all conceivable dunks with ease and I want to slam it home with authority.

So I know I am asking for a lot. But I am willing to pay the price to be able to rip down a rim. I am willing to give up a lot in return. Such as:

10) The unopened and mint condition album of “The Soundtrack to Breakin’” that I own on vinyl. Yeah, that’s right. VINYL.

9) Cursing… with the exception of when I actually do dunk. Then I can curse like a mother*#ker.

8) The ability to smell. Recognizing a scent is far less important than being able to complete a three-sixty slam.

7) Porn.

6) Smoking. (I don’t smoke but I would start, become addicted to it, and then make myself quit just so I could have the ability to do a tomahawk dunk.)

5) My car for one year. And I live in Los Angeles so you know that is a huge sacrifice. How does one even take the bus here?

4) Making my bed forever. As an anal retentive freak, I always make my bed. Even if I am sick I always make my bed. This is the kind of sacrifice I am willing to make to be able to dunk a basketball. Though just thinking about my bed unmade is causing me to break out in hives.

3) Sex for six months and chocolate for nine months. Any longer on both of these and my head would explode and you can’t alley-oop with an exploded head.

2) My hair. Better to be folically challenged and be able to perform a windmill dunk then to have good head hair but not be able to touch the bottom of the backboard.

1) One of my children. (Which one to be determined at a later date.)