With the launch of Match.com in 1995, online dating was born. And while some sites try their best to make it seem like this is about finding someone with whom you can connect on a deep level (*cough* eHarmony *cough*,) everyone knows it’s the most superficial way to meet a person. I mean sure, you add in some specifics about the type of person you’re looking for so there are some similar interests, but at the end of the day everyone ends up skimming the actual profile and just flips through profile pictures until they find an attractive one and then throwing a message out in the hopes that you’ll ultimately bang.
Which is why it was a no-brainer that Grindr came on the scene and said “screw all the lovey-dovey BS, here’s a bunch of dudes that are close to you and would potentially be down to bang.” It distilled the essence of online dating. Tinder, which came out 4 years after Grindr, is the straight person’s version of that. Clearly the fact that it took us straighties 4 years to have our own Grindr only strengthens my argument that being straight is lame. Point is, now regardless of your preference (unless you’re into something weird like clowns, I think Clownder is still in beta), you have a quick and easy way to have a one-night stand.
Personally, I’m not into that kinda stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t judge people who use it successfully. My roommate is so efficient at any form of online dating, I’m sure he could sign up for JDate and be successful, even though he’s not even remotely Jewish. In fact, I’m jealous of the ability he, and others like him, possess. I just can’t do it. I need to get to know someone first. It’s cause I’m a Sensi (defined here. I am the embodiment of JD). But regardless of where you stand on the the use or usefulness of using a smartphone app to find a rando hookup, I think you’ll agree that sometimes we all just need a solid cuddle. That’s why I’d like to propose an app called Tender.
Tender is for those times when you’re lonely. You don’t want a relationship, you’re not trying to learn someone’s idiosyncrasies or meet their parents, you just want some company. This is how Tender works:
It’s the end of a solid night of bar hopping. You know it’s time to go home, but you don’t want to go home alone. Fire up the Tender app, and see who’s in your area. You’re presented with a gallery of fellow Tender users who are within a 10-block radius of you. If you want, you can add some filters on the results, such as “Age,” “Body Type,” “Preferred Spoon Position,” and “Favorite Nicholas Sparks Adaptation.”
Browsing through the results, you’re only given an option to reject or accept each user by giving them a Friend Hug, or a Cuddle Hug. Once you see a hottie with whom you know you’ll have an emotional connection, give ‘em a Cuddle Hug. If they hug you back (like a hug that’s longer than a friend hug; like there’s definitely something there), you’re in! Shoot them a message to figure out the details: Whose apartment to go to, what type of wine to bring, and which friend’s Netflix account to use.
Then it’s time for a one-night-cuddle. Get ready for a night of intense, no-strings-attached, staying in and watching a rom-com. Depending on your stamina, you may even go for two in one night. Personally, I’ve been known to go three in one night, I just need a little time in between to recover (and make more homemade baba ghanoush and pita chips).
But don’t get it twisted. You’re not going to be having relations of an intimate (or at least, physical) nature. Hell, you won’t even be spending the night. After the bottle is empty and the candles have burned out you will be expected to go home. Unless your Cuddle is too drunk. Then it’s your responsibility to tuck him/her into bed with a glass of water and Advil on the bedside table, and crash on the couch so you can make hangover pancakes in the morning.
I was told I should patent this. That there’s probably an actual market for this. But I don’t think that making the Tender app is the legacy I’d like to leave. Much like the app itself, I’ll just cuddle the idea, give it a solid snuggle sesh. Then let someone else score.