We all know you are filled with lies. You don’t need to pretend that you drink Pabst Blue Ribbon because it tastes good. It doesn’t. You know it, I know it, we all know it, so stop.

Now, I am not saying you shouldn’t stop drinking PBR. Far be it from me to trample over anyone’s beer-ligous freedom. Go ahead – drink Pabst till your heart’s content or you pass out… whichever comes first.

Just don’t tell me that PBR is cool.

I am not sure when you decided that drinking Pabst was cool, but it’s not. PBR is not and never was a cool beer to drink. It has been known as a “drink-a-lot-of-it-quickly” beer, yes. It has also been known as a “this-is-all-I-can-afford” beer, true. It has never, ever been known as a “look-how-cool-I-am-by-drinking-beer-with-a-ribbon-on-it” beer. Understand your history.

Cans of PBR in any bar, lounge or pub are a crime against flavor and possibly a crime against humanity. And I’m not going to even blame the bar owners that charge seven bucks for a can – A CAN – of PBR. They are just soaking you for every ducat you are throwing down. So when you belly up to the bar and shout out to absolutely no one who cares, “Yo! They got PBR tall boys up in here!” then you deserved to get fleeced.

And I know this is not some back-to-basics, drink-American-beer movement. This is not some anti-craft beer movement. This is you listening to someone who told you that paying the same for one can of beer as what you could pay for a six-pack is a really cool thing to do. Way to cave to the peer pressure, Mr. PBR Drinker.

Don’t give me any of your lame excuses. “Well, it tastes good cold.” Every beer tastes good cold. That is pure scientific fact. “But it comes in a tall boy!” So what? Putting it in a can that is slightly taller than the original and referring to it as a “boy” doesn’t improve on the taste. “Dennis Hopper gives it a shout out in ‘Blue Velvet’!” Okay, I’ll give you that one. That is pretty cool. But remember that Hopper played a psycho who sniffed pure oxygen – not sure you wanna trust his taste in beverages.

Mr. PBR drinker, don’t you know that for every sip of PBR you take, one of your taste buds dies? Why are you treating your tongue like that? What did it ever do to you? All your tongue wants to do is give you pleasure and this is how you treat it? By ransacking it with the taste of PBR?

I am writing this to you, Mr. PBR Drinker, with the hopes that you will mend your naively evil ways. I am hoping that you will stop being brainwashed into thinking that PBR is cool.  I am hoping that you will stop overpaying for a beverage that has a history of not tasting good. I am hoping that you will see the light…and I don’t mean light beer cause that is awful, too.

Godspeed.