It always seems like a good idea at the time.

One of you is in the shower. The other one says, “Wanna join me?” Hell yes! You don’t need to be invited twice. So you pop in the shower, already planning the amazing shower sex in your head, how great and freaky it is going to be, how it will blow both of your collective minds, and then…

Meh.

Eh.

Whateves.

Like Jay Z’s Magna Carta Holy Grail, sex in the shower should be better than it really is. All the components for great sex are there; warmth, wetness, nakedness. It should consistently be a slam dunk. It rarely, if ever, is. Instead of an awesomely awesome sexscapade in the town of Awesome Sex all you get in its place is, “Well…that happened.”

Sex in the shower places an unnecessary limitation on creativity. If you are in a shower stall you are doing it standing up. If you are in a shower/bathtub you have the second option of doing it sitting. That about covers it.  (I defy you to find any couple that has sex in the shower lying down. That’s just weird. Not to mention potentially painful.) There’s little room for anything else. Those spatial restrictions inhibit you from exploring such positions as Reverse Cowgirl, Bandoleer, Afternoon Delight, Splitting Bamboo, and, of course, The Curled Angel.

Someone is always getting screwed in the shower…and not in the good way. There is always one person who is shivering because none of the water is hitting them and the person who is getting all the warm water isn’t about to give it up and there’s no room to share all the water so basically it’s two people having mediocre sex with one of them just okay with it and the other is chilly and pissed off.  Really, only if you are rich and have two showerheads working in the opposite direction is sex in the shower truly rewarding for all involved.

It’s not like sex in a Jacuzzi. Sex in a Jacuzzi is killer. There’s room to work, plenty of warmth and water for all involved and, most importantly, bubbles. You can also drink while having a roll in the Jacuzzi. Drinking while having sex while in a Jacuzzi is like hitting the trifecta of awesome – the entire concept of 1980s coolness was based on those three things (though I think cocaine may have been involved as well). You ever try drinking in a shower? Yeah, impossible, right? Sex in the shower is like drinking in the shower – it seems like a fun idea until you actually try it.

And the thing is, the moment you commit to sex in the shower you have to live with that choice (at least for the next five to seven minutes – sex in the shower is never a prolonged affair). Once you commit to it there is no going back – even if it is a little less then enjoyable. It’s not like you are gonna stop having the sex. That’s crazy talk. It’s not like all of the sudden you’re gonna say, “Know what? This is more trouble than it is worth. Let’s just stop, shampoo each other’s hair and call it a day.” So you keep at it until nature runs it’s unsatisfactory course and you both can feign a polite gratitude. Then your partner finally gets out so you can focus on the importance task of shaving your back.

Look, sex is always a fun event in one’s stressful life but combining it with showering turns it into a chore. Sex does not enhance the showering and showering does not enhance the sex. So why is there a need to combine the two in the hopes of turning it into chocolate and peanut butter, which we all know is the greatest combo man has ever created? Lets keep the “doing it” in the bedroom and leave the shower for its intended use.

Masturbating.