Sometimes I sit down at my computer to snap one off and then I wonder if I masturbate too much, which almost makes me decide to pull my pants up, stand up and do something else, but then I just laugh at myself, shrug it off and start pumping out streams of lotion into my eager palm.

I usually forget about it during the act because I’m all, “Whacking off is a lot of fun and if it’s fun I may as well do it whenever I want to!”

But you reach certain points where it becomes bad for you.

If the following are happening to you, then you might be masturbating too much. And you should cut back. Maybe.

• You’re stroking it so much that it hurts. This is something that happens to most dudes at some point in their lives, but it should only occur in adolescence or teenage years because you’ve just recently discovered masturbation, and because your hormones don’t give a f**k if your dick gets rubbed raw. They manifest themselves as the voice of Patrick Swayze, these hormones, and then they whisper incessantly to you that “pain don’t hurt.” If pain and/or chafing are occurring, you need to cut back a little bit or at least level up on the lubrication.
• You can’t get off during real sex. You may feel like a champion, but I’m told that women take offense and lose confidence when they can’t get a guy to orgasm, on account of the fact that most of them are used to us doing so in five minutes or less. You might feel like a stallion, but she’s not going to dig it all that much. If you’re rubbing out too much, you might be giving your dong a fast-paced friction that you just can’t reach when thrusting.
• You’ve become very familiar with the names and characteristics of many porn stars. If this is the case, you need to back away from the pornography and get your sh**t together. I’m not saying get off the computer, but maybe open up an online dating profile and start trying to familiarize yourself with women who will interact with you earnestly and without you buying them something from their Amazon wish list.
• You’re commenting in the comment sections of porn sites. I think if this is happening you’re going to need some professional help. That’s just…bizarre.
• You’re forgetting that you just masturbated recently and sit down to do it again before you’ve had a sufficient refractory period. I equate this to chain-smoking. Except instead of cigarettes you’re chain-smoking your own pole. I don’t mean sucking on it, I mean rubbing it hard enough and often enough that smoke might start rising from it.
• You’re not only replacing real sex with masturbation, but you stop making an effort to go out there and get the real thing. I don’t know anybody who has found lasting life happiness from fapping away in a dark bedroom on a Friday night. There’s definitely something to the “you’ll never find it if you’re looking for it” thing, but that’s taking it to an unhealthy extreme. Masturbation should never negatively affect your social life.
• You’ve tried to whack off less, but you seem unable to. You might be addicted, and you should really make a more concerted effort to not touch yourself quite as often.

So there you have it, guys. Happy fapping, but just don’t fap too much!