OK, new parents, no more babbling on and on about how great your babies are.  With the exception of you and the grandparents, no one cares.

[Full disclosure, I have two kids myself.  I talked about them constantly as babies and I talk about them constantly now. But that’s only because they are truly awesome.  That’s a fact. Just ask my wife.]

Seriously, even if your baby cured cancer, I still wouldn’t want to here about it. Maybe if it was testicular cancer I’d be interested, but other than that, stuff a sock in it.

Whatever great and amazing milestone your baby just had truly means nothing to me. The day he or she learned to sit up and support their head might be a day you want to jot down in your diary and hold forever as a precious memory. For me, it’s just another Thursday.

While we are at it, parents who are past the baby stage and now have toddlers or kids, you can shut it as well. You are worse. You should know better. You’ve had your children for a while now and the excitement and newness has most definitely worn off. You already know that your precious, special ones are just bratty kids with snotty noses to everyone else.

Also please stop telling me how funny your children are. Trust me, they are not. The sight of them dancing around with a bucket on their head might bring you to your knees in hysterics, but it doesn’t mean that’ll play at The Laugh Factory or that they’re ready to headline at The Bellagio in Vegas.

The worst is when a mom or dad does the “fake complaint.” That’s when they bitch about something that their kid does but in reality it’s just their passive aggressive way of bragging about their little hellions.  Nothing bursts my synapses more then hearing some parent say something like:

“You’re so lucky that your son enjoys cookies. I try to give my little Aidan cookies, you know, as a special treat? And he always says no! Can you believe that? All he wants to eat are fruits or vegetables. It’s so frustrating!”

It’s all I can do to keep from replying:

“Wow. Maybe little Aidan has developmental issues. You should really go get him checked out.”

Now, as a parent, I can understand the unconditional love one feels for their children. I get the fact that everyday they do something new is astounding. I’m just sick of parents acting like PR firms for their kids. You don’t need to pimp them out.  Let them be. In fact, encourage them to speak for themselves on how great they are. In fact, if a fourteen-month old  baby came up to me and said:

“Yeah, the other day I shoved an entire banana in my mouth. It was pretty sweet. Tomorrow I’m shooting for two.”

Then I would be impressed. But your kid doesn’t need their own Instagram handle.

Again, I’m sorry I don’t care about your baby. I’m sorry that your beautiful little newborn looks like all of the eight million other little newborns I’ve seen. I apologize if I don’t think it’s wonderful when Kaitlyn tries to sing along to Maroon 5. My bad if I’m not thrilled that Bryce pulls out your “Spanish for Dummies” from the bookcase and pretends to read it. Frankly, I don’t have time to get excited about those things. I’m too busy spending the day thinking about myself.

That’s why I try to never boast about my kids in public. I don’t want to be those kinds of parents. Though, the other day, my little girl did the most amazing thing….

[Author’s note: My editor, Arianna, originally balked at this piece, as she is a new mom. When I told her that she might be the exception to the rule, Arianna replied, “No. I am the worst. You should see my Instagram.”]