Mardi Gras celebration

You know who enjoys looking at good-looking people parading about in risqué and revealing costumes at Halloween? EVERYONE. We are all for equal opportunity objectification, and women shouldn’t be the only ones tasked with turning conventional Halloween outfits like uniforms and animal suits into flesh-baring ensembles. Even though there are other parts we’d rather look at it, women have eyes too — which means this year you can be the one to go sexy. And I don’t mean just throwing on a toga and pretending you’re Greek. Want to get your gal going? Try these ideas…

Top Gun

This one is pretty easy. Find a grey flight-style outfit (or just buy this one!) and instead of paying attention to safety regulations, remove your under-garments. I’m not saying this is subtlety, but the zip-down front knowing there’s nothing underneath will drive her wild. They call it going commando for a reason, you know.

Superheroes

Sure, everyone joked about the very noticeable codpiece and nipples on George Clooney’s Batman suit, but on the other hand everyone was staring at George Clooney’s codpiece and nipples. There are many subtle ways of getting attention, but an eye-catching crotch isn’t one of them. Superman and Spider-Man are hardly lacking in that department, either. However, that skin-tight spandex should really only be worn by those with superhero bodies. If you’re not into a big costume, and maybe don’t have quite the physique for the skin-tight, Wolverine is a very easy one to assemble since all you need is a white tank-top and some form of (fake) blades. And the muttonchops. You gotta have the muttonchops.

Wrestler

You wouldn’t know, but there are Tumblrs out there devoted to photos of wrestlers and their, shall we say, delicate issues in the pants. Still, with a bit of creativity (or just a sports-appropriate form of underwear) you’ll get to show off your hours in the gym just as well as a Playboy Bunny outfit on the girls.

Scottish

“Scottish” is indeed a costume when it comes to Halloween, and nothing beats following national dress codes and going naked underneath a kilt. People won’t believe you, but get a few drinks into ya and I’m sure you’ll have no problem proving them wrong. Actually, come to think of it, this might not be the best idea, especially if you have to take public transportation. Best to not get arrested, although if you do, try on your best Scottish brogue and maybe they’ll let you off the hook.

Baywatch

It took me a moment to remember what the hell the men on Baywatch wore, but this has got to be one of the easiest costumes to master. All you need is a pair of red beach bathers (the shorter the better for obvious reasons) and a flotation device of some kind. Even better if you’re at a beach or pool party in a part of the country that is still warm in October. You’ll fit right in and you have a free pass to make Hasselhoff jokes all night.

Christian Grey

Kinda dated, but hey, a man can look extraordinarily dashing in a good suit and if you’re not a 9-to-5 lackey who has to wear them five days a week, then it can be nice to have a reason to suit up. Bring some, ahem, additional props and maybe you’ll find a new side to yourself in the process. Note, this may only be appropriate for certain settings. If you know what I mean.

Of course, as long as you feel good then there’s no need to worry. Just, please, whatever you do, do not wear anything like this. For everybody’s sake plus your own. Also, dear Halloween costume makers: stop trying to make sexy Donald Trump happen. It’s not going to happen.