sloth

If you want to look good, but you’re a lazy guy, there’s a bit of good news out there, and a bit of bad. The good news is that easy-to-use technology like electric razors and hair clippers exists. Combined with the fact that full beards and three-day old beard growth are now in vogue, you can be much lazier than your clean-shaven ancestors were in the not-so-distant past. The bad news is that while you might be opposed to any form of effort as far as personal grooming is concerned, you’ll still have to get up off of the couch and do a few simple things in order to stay reasonably fashionable and attractive.

At the very least, you don’t want people running away from you while screaming after taking a good look at your face — or your grubby, mismatched wardrobe. And so, as a public service, we now offer you the Lazy Man’s Grooming Guide.

Part 1: Things That Grow

C’mon, let’s keep it clean, both figuratively and literally. We’re not talking about your junk here. We’re talking about your hair and nails. Want to be lazy, but still maintain some elementary follicle care? It’s easy, really. Just get some nail clippers (fingers and toes, fellas) and beard and hair clippers. Find length settings that you like for both your hair and beard, and clip that that dead protein down to its proper size once every two weeks. You’ll have to keep things fairly short, but you’ll only have to groom twice a month.

For really hairy guys, or people who like their beard and hair especially short, you might have to clip your hair once a week. Even still, that means only dealing with facial and beard hair, as well as your nails, four times a month, tops.

Part 2: Things That Smell

Shorter hair means less shampoo, and less time washing your hair. Even so, you’ll still have to scrub your body with soap when you shower. Underarm deodorant can do wonders for stinky body odor on those occasions when you’re too sluggish to hop into the shower. Get an electric toothbrush for your teeth. You should brush at least twice a day, but with an electric brush, you can close your eyes and drift off mentally while the motor does all of the hard work.

A light dusting of a cornstarch-based baby powder can also be used to combat excessive sweating, which may help keep different parts of your body from smelling too foul (still, please do shower). Hey, if it works for babies, who basically just lay around all day doing nothing, it can work for the lazy man.

Part 3: Things That Need to Be Washed

Did you known you can shower-steam your clothes? Yep, just hang them in the shower, get a lot of steam going, let them steam for a while, and you’ll get all of the wrinkles out. (Although maybe do this while you’re actually taking a shower — there is a worldwide water shortage, after all.) Beats having to use an iron and ironing board, doesn’t it? Another wonderful lethargic man’s trick is buying gray socks and grayish underwear only. While white is nice, that just means having to do a separate load of laundry. And when you forget a few white items with your colors, they usually just end up gray anyway.

Choose clothing items that fit you well, or that you really like, and buy several identical copies. That way you won’t have to spend a lot of time thinking about what you’re going to wear (the classic Hank Moody or Louis C.K. jeans and black t-shirt esthetic). When something gets lost, or worn out, you’ll already have a replacement standing by.

Part 4: Saving Time

Chances are if you really need the help of a grooming guide for lazy men, you probably don’t take wonderful care of yourself. Surprisingly, a little initial effort as far as your personal care is concerned can make grooming and dressing a whole lot easier in the long run. Of course, we’re here to make sure you can do this while still adhering to a sloth’s life.

The key is to remember that a bit of prep time (yes, counter-intuitive to the average lazy guy) can save you a lot of unnecessary headaches. While you might think being basically inert means having to live in a cluttered pigpen, the opposite is actually true. By getting rid of all of that crap you don’t need, you’ll spend less time dealing with pointless possessions or sorting through piles of stuff. That means more time for sleeping in and lounging about. Short hair, a trim beard, plus nice yet simple clothes can get you pretty far in this world. And none of these things have to cost you a whole lot of effort.

By maintaining your rudimentary hygiene — albeit in the laziest way possible — chances are you’ll have to deal with dentists and doctors a heck of a lot less down the road as well. Nothing is more of a buzz kill for a natural couch potato than a root canal. A little effort in pinpoint locations means that overall all you can be much more efficient in the amount of time you devout to your lazy way of life.