Ah, buffalo wings. Maybe one of the most perfect foods ever created. A wonderful mélange (yeah, I just used the word mélange – how ya like me now?) of salty, spicy, greasy, and tangy. They can be eaten for lunch or dinner, as an appetizer or entrée. Good with beer (nay, great with beer), wine, pop or good old H2O. Throw in some celery sticks and blue cheese and you have got yourself one well-rounded meal. Wings are the Lord’s way of smiling down on us humans and saying, “I know life is hard. To make up for it, gnaw on these chicken bones while you watch the NBA playoffs.”

And yet, despite all this, people constantly mess up their ordering of Buffalo wings. Big time. Like when Bush exclaimed “Mission Accomplished” or when they introduced Scrappy Doo to “The Scooby Doo Show.” Luckily I am here to help. For I am…your Wing Man.

Here are some quick basics to remember:

Wings too saucy – send them back

Wings not saucy enough – send them back

Wings too big – send them back

Wings too small – send them back

Are you seeing a pattern here? There is a balance to Buffalo wings. Though fairly simple to make (deep fry, make sauce, toss) they need proper attention and a delicate touch. Swing too far one way or too far the other and all you have is a basketful of sad chicken. And no one likes sad chicken… not even Morrissey.

And don’t get conned into trying different wing flavors. Restaurants love coming up with different flavor combinations for wings – Teriyaki, Sweet BBQ, Honey Mustard, Curry, Cajun, Parmesan Garlic. Variety is great in life – but not with a food that’s already perfect. Wings should come one style – hot. That’s it. You can have them at whatever degree of heat you can handle. If you want to go medium, hey, that’s a little weak but fine. If you are worried about the size of your junk and need to go 911 Atomic hot, so be it.

See, like the comic stylings of Mr. Vince Vaughn, Buffalo wings are a one trick pony. But that’s okay – it’s a great trick. We all like it when Vince talks very fast in a scene. We don’t need him to do anything else. Just like wings. They don’t need to be anything else but hot.  We don’t need to see Vinny V stretch himself and attempt to perform Ibsen and we don’t need wings flavored in a lime cumin sauce.

Also, don’t be a one of those guys who get boneless wings. That’s basically a McNugget dipped in hot sauce. Guess what? Chicken is an animal. No it is!  We all learn that when we were five. And if you can’t handle eating chicken off the bone then you don’t deserve to eat chicken. Ordering boneless chicken wings – which is really a stupid name as how can it be boneless and a wing at the same time – is more of an insult to a chicken than tearing off its wing and dipping it in blue cheese.

End of public service announcement. – cue soft piano music and graphics reading, “The More You Know.”