Due to the overwhelming demand of literally nobody asking me about this, I wanted to share what goes on inside my head when I’m on a date. Granted, you may scoff, chuckle, or even straight up guffaw at the notion that I go on dates, but I assure you it does happen, d*mmit! Sometimes. Every couple of years. Also, if you’re guffawing then you should probably get that checked out. Seems like a “guffaw” is not a natural noise for your body to make.

Now, if you want to continue to believe that I’m a normal person, you may not want to read this. Oh, you knew I wasn’t normal long ago, long before I decided to write about poops and beards? Great, thanks for letting me know. Doesn’t sting at all. Anyway, without further ado, beyond the ado that I just ado’ed I mean, here are some snippets of what’s going through my head during a date:

“Ugh I hope she shows up soon. I’m not sweating too badly, but it’s slightly warmer than usual right now, so it’s only a matter of time. I mean I guess it’s normal for this time of the year, but based on the past couple of nights it’s certainly warmer, definitely getting into my uncomfortably warm level of – oh there she is.”

“Wow, she’s pretty. Do I go in for the kiss on the cheek? Nah, not yet. Best leave that for later dates. If there will be any. Going for the hug. Avoided raising my arms too much and possibly putting a damp pit on her arm (are my pits damp right now? I’ll have to check later).”

“Ok so slight awkwardness by being too eager and jumping in front of her to open the door for her, but she seemed to appreciate the attempt at chivalry. Shake it off. Good choice in restaurant, if I do say so myself. And I happened to catch it on a night when it’s not super busy. That has to earn me some bonus points.”

“Man oh man, she is adorable. I like the way that her eyes get all squinty when she smiles. She just always seems so pleasant. And her skin is crazy smooth. DON’T LOOK AT HER BOOBS. Well, quick glance. NOICE. Don’t think she noticed. I mean she is wearing a low-cut top, so I’d imagine she’d at least want me to cop a glance, albeit done in a tasteful, subtle way. Women’s fashion is weird like that.”

“Oh sh*t have I just been staring at her this whole time? Bring up a topic, quick! Let’s see…ask her about her day? Is that a lame thing to ask? I mean I already know all the ‘So, what do you do?’ stuff about her, so that won’t work. Ah wait, she’s wearing this cool green crystal rope thingy necklace. That’s interesting. Unique style. Compliment her on that. She’s pleasantly surprised I noticed. Right on. It complements her skin!? Why did I say that? It’s cool, just smile and pretend it was a smooth statement. She laughs it off. Whew. She’s awesome. I have to make her laugh more.”

“She kinda talks a lot though. I mean I bring up one little topic and it’s off to the races. Is it weird that I’m OK with that? Why am I asking myself this? She does have a very pleasant voice, and her personality is great. Very engaged. Not pretentious. Kinda dorky but in an endearing way. Nod in agreement. Ask small but relevant question to keep the conversation going. DON’T LOOK AT HER BOOBS.”

“Her life seems so well put together. I’d have to really shape up if I’m trying to be with this gal. I should literally shape up too. When was the last time I actually exercised? Ugh. Nod in agreement. I bet she exercises all the time. But I like how she doesn’t look like a super-athlete, or crazy skinny. Just normal but in great shape. I bet she looks killer naked. DON’T LOOK AT HER BOOBS.”

“Why do I have to remind myself not to look at her boobs? I’m not even a boob guy. I mean I like ‘em much as any dude does, but it’s not like I’m all about the ta-tas. It’s cause I’m thinking about it. Probably. Also she’s leaning her elbows on the table with her arms pulled in just a little bit, so what the hell am I supposed to do? D*mnit just looked at her boobs. She didn’t seem to notice. Nod in agreement.”

“Uh oh. Conversation has waned. She’s asking about my day. My day?? It was boring. I was in my apartment all day writing and working on pics. I didn’t even leave the apartment until late in the afternoon. Oh good, she’s interested in photography. I can talk about that for a little bit.”

“I wonder if she’s actually into me. I mean it seems like I’m getting good vibes. Maybe I should try a terrible joke and see if she laughs. That was a litmus test JD used on Scrubs. Man I miss Scrubs. What a great show that was. I should watch some Scrubs when I get back to the apartment. Ok, here goes… She laughed! Good good, I think this is promising.”

“THANK GOD I MADE IT THROUGH DINNER. Of course now I have no clue if she’s expecting a kiss or a hug. I mean she seems to be diggin’ me. Yeah I’m gonna do it. Man up, Patrick. Here goes, leaning in for the kiss. She started talking! Abort! Abort! Ah shit, I botched it. I super botched it I super – no wait, she’s talking because she’s asking if I want to grab a drink somewhere. HOT DAMN! This is awesome! I wish I could jump up in the air and pump my fist! No wait, this is terrible! I survived the date and she still wants to see me. Now I have more time with her to screw it all up. Gotta think of more things to talk about. AND DON’T LOOK AT HER BOOBS.”