boxingI never knew how deeply I desired a George Zimmerman vs. DMX boxing match until it was brought onto my radar as something that might actually happen in real life.

Then it became the one live event I wanted to witness more than any other live event, including a Prince concert and Morgan Freeman reading Pablo Neruda poems in a serene park.

Recently, news broke that Zimmerman, the guy found not guilty in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin in Florida, the land of outlaws where normal rules do not seem to apply, was going to go three rounds with mostly irrelevant rapper DMX.

Upon hearing this news, I immediately commenced an internal battle over whether I would pay pay-per-view fees to watch Zimmerman probably get beat up by DMX, a maniac who likely does not need a gun to make people feel severe pain. After five minutes, I decided that I would definitely watch it, all ethical gripes aside—and there were a great many—and allowed my imagination to run wild with what sorts of things could happen before, during and after this fight to make it the greatest thing I have ever watched on live television ever. (And I saw the Auburn field goal run-back against Alabama live a couple months ago.)

Then, over the weekend, all of my dreams were unceremoniously shattered. I woke up on Saturday morning to news that Damon Feldman, the fight’s organizer, had called it off in response to rampant public outcry.

Of course I don’t think George Zimmerman should get a big payday because everybody hates him since he shot a defenseless kid. But since I desperately want to see him get beat up, I still hold out hope that this fight will happen. DMX said he would “gladly beat the s**t out of Zimmerman,” but that the proceeds that were to go to Zimmerman would have to be for charity. I think that’s a great idea.

Here are 15 things that would make it even more awesome than anticipated if ever a Zimmerman vs. DMX fight happens.

  1. Dark Man X follows through on the trash talk he’s been sporadically spouting about fighting Zimmerman, and really does everything he can to “f**k him up right.” This includes urinating on Zimmerman’s face.
  2. DMX makes Zimmerman pee himself during weigh-ins by incessantly barking in his fat face.
  3. DMX crushes Zimmerman and then goes home with Zimmerman’s wife after the bout.
  4. They fight in fat suits.
  5. Nancy Grace is selected as the ref for the fight. And gets in the way of a stray punch or seven.
  6. Each living member of the Ruff Ryders is summoned for a post-fight Royal Rumble, to take place against a number of famous Zimmerman supporters. Like Ted Nugent. (I don’t even know if Nugent was a Zimmerman supporter, but he seems like somebody who would be.) Then the whole crew gets together for a reunion concert following the fight. DMX urinates on Zimmerman during the final chorus of “Ruff Ryder Anthem.”
  7. A Trayvon Martin family member is allowed to hide underneath the ring. At some point during the fight, he or she surprises everybody by coming out with a folding chair, which he or she uses to hit Zimmerman repeatedly with.
  8. Eve performs the National Anthem.
  9. The fight is literally to the death and Zimmerman is murdered while attempting to stand his ground.

10. A rogue audience member chucks some loose Skittles onto the ring. Zimmerman slips on one and is immediately concussed.

11. Swizz Beats DJ’s the entire event.

12. Gus Johnson and Bill Murray call the fight.

13. Before the main event, Farrah Abraham is made to fight Muhammad Ali’s daughter.

14. Kanye West makes a surprise appearance to help DMX beat Zimmerman’s ass. DMX then subsequently beats Kanye West’s ass, and makes like he’s going to take Kim Kardashian home with him before dumping her out on the street in the middle of nowhere.

15. America and the entire free world discover that they love watching DMX fight people that are easily hateable, and somehow a DMX vs. Justin Bieber boxing match is scheduled.

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