hollywoodSure there are some great remakes – Ocean’s 11 and Scarface come to mind – but the majority are just a fat bag of suck. Case in point: The recent remake of the The Karate Kid, which had absolutely nothing to do with karate. And even when Hollywood doesn’t come right out and say “remake,” they’ll use buzz words like “re-imaging,” “re-interpreting,” and “re-invigorating” – all of which are just code for “we are remaking your beloved movie and it will be exactly like the original in name only.” So before any more damage can be done, here are some movies that in no way, shape or form should ever be remade…by anyone…ever. *

(*Note: “The Godfather” is not on the list because the moment that remake gets the greenlight – and it’s only just a matter of time – Hollywood will be swallowed up by the fires of hell and the entire town will be paved over and turned into a Costco parking lot, which if you think about it is really not a bad thing.)

The Warriors: Several years ago the idea of remaking this kick-ass, cult classic was close to becoming a reality, only the producers wanted to reset it in present day Los Angeles, which totally begs credibility. No gang would want to deal with LA traffic just to go to an all-gang summit. And unless you have a gang of clowns carrying machetes, nothing is going to be scarier than The Baseball Furies.

Fight Club: A very faithful adaptation of the book, so why even bother? What are you going to bring to the table to make it different? Change it to women? First rule of Fight Club: You do not do a remake of Fight Club.

White Men Can’t Jump: For sheer casting alone you could never remake this flick. Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson are spot-on in their roles. Plus they could actually ball. You might laugh more at a remake starring Kevin Hart and Jonah Hill, but you would mostly be laughing at their basketball skills.

Taxi Driver: New York in the 1970s is the real character in this Scorsese film. New York present day is Disneyland. So where would you set the remake? Detroit? Cleveland? Portland? You could take Travis Bickle out of New York, but you can’t take the New York out of Travis Bickle.

The Breakfast Club: You could never remake this teen classic and set it in present day because 1) today’s high school cliques are less defined than they were in the 80s 2) no school does Saturday detentions anymore and 3) all the kids in the movie would be too busy tweeting to share their feelings with each other.

Pulp Fiction: This movie is so perfectly 1990s that to update it in any sort of way seems sillier than Sam Jackson’s jheri curl. Not to mention that there are so many unexpected twists and turns in the original that there is no possible way you could up the ante with a “re-imaging.” And are you really going to top Jackson and Travolta doing the “Royale With Cheese” scene?

Swingers: The guys in Swingers looked like guys you could hang out with. Today’s young Hollywood guys are just too pretty to remake it. On the plus side, skipping the remake will spare the another generation of dudes drunkenly screaming at each other, “You are so money!”

Old School: There have been so many “guys who refuse to grow up” flicks since this movie came out that it feels like it has already been remade several times over. Let’s not add to that gluttony.  I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to see this remade even if it had the original cast doing it shot for shot.

Smokey and the Bandit: This film is classic cheese, and unless you get Mathew McConaughey to play the Burt Reynolds role (which would definitely be worth the price of admission), let sleeping cheese lie.

The Karate Kid: Part II: This makes the list for the simple fact that the original was so boring that no one should have to suffer from a retelling of it.

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