I recently tossed a tissue into the garbage can and as it went in I shouted, “It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!” My wife looked at me and said, “What the hell are you talking about?” And I said, “Bill Murray? ‘Caddyshack?’ ‘It’s in the hole?’” My wife just shrugged and said, “Never saw it.”

I should divorce her, right?

All in, I’ve been together with my wife for over ten years. That’s a long ass time. But up until this moment I had never known she had never seen “Caddyshack.” Had I known about this glaring error in her personality (yeah, I said it, “glaring error”) our lives might have been very different.

Jesus Christ, how could an adult in contemporary society not have seen  a classic like “Caddyshack”? It would be one thing if she saw it and just not liked it – that I could understand. I would think less of her but I would understand. But to not have ever seen the comedic equivalent of  “The Godfather” is downright heresy. (FYI, she has seen “The Godfather” so there is at least some hope.)

Part of it is the communication issue that comes with constantly quoting (justifiably) one of the most quotable films ever. There are times when we are at a restaurant and as we look over the menu my wife will mention how much she’d like some steamed mussels and I’ll come back with, “You’ll get nothing and like it!” She looks at me like I am brain-damaged.  When she is distracted or unfocused and she is having trouble finishing a task, I’ll say, “You’re not being the ball, Danny, ” she’ll just say, “Why are you calling me ‘Danny’?” And God forbid if we’re both drunk off of cheap, red wine and I yell out, “Hey! We’re all gonna get laid!” My wife’s retort? “Really, dude? Really?”  These are all clues that should have led me to question if she’d ever seen “Caddyshack,” but I guess I was so blind with love that I chose to ignore them. Stupid love.

The point is that there is a whole entire language that we could be sharing because of “Caddyshack,” but because she has not seen the movie she doesn’t comprehend that language and instead just looks at me like an idiot… which, in all honesty, I  am but that’s besides the point. Marriage is about sharing the important things: love, feelings, opinions, bodily fluids. And in that list of important things that need sharing should be, “a knowledge of every line from the greatest golf movie ever made.” But since my wife has never seen said movie, we are unable to share such classic lines such as, “When you die, on your death bed, you will receive total consciousness.” (Huzzah to those of you who know the line that follows. My wife sure as hell doesn’t.)

How could I not have known this before we got married? How did this vital, all-important piece of information escape me? Was I just not paying attention? Was she hiding it from me? And if so did she just come out with it now does that mean my wife has pretty much given up on me and it doesn’t matter what the hell I think or know about anything? Any and all of these scenarios are distressing and leave me questioning the sanctity of marriage.

Now, I have offered to dial up a little “Caddyshack” action on Netflix so my wife can see it in all of its brilliance. And I always get the same response: “Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. We’ve got a lot of other stuff in the queue to watch.” It is this type of indifference that is so disheartening. And yet, somehow she’s actually seen parts of “Caddyshack II,” which is all the more disheartening.

Yeah, I should definitely divorce her.

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