tumblr_lxk2gl4xhq1r726ojo1_500There are so many quotes, sayings and idioms out there in the zeitgeist that I regularly encounter, seeming to be readily accepted without any analysis whatsoever. Even though many of them don’t make any sense whatsoever. We just seem to be like, “F**k yeah! Thomas Jefferson allegedly said that sh*t! I’ll regram that and then like my own post so it gets more traction!”

I fixed a few of them to be more accurate:

“Shoot for the moon. But you better make it. Because if you don’t, you’ll be marooned out in desolate, quiet space with a limited amount of oxygen and zero options, while you gaze dejectedly at the stars you thought you were going to land on as you finally realize that are actually light years away.”

“All you need is food, water, shelter, clothing, money and to occasionally urinate and evacuate your bowels.”

“Clear eyes, full hearts, still lose all the time.”

“The vast majority of things that do not kill you don’t really make you much stronger.”

“It usually is pretty much mostly about the size of the dog in the fight.”

“Everything happens for a reason if you consider “no f**king reason” to be a reason.”

“You should definitely cry because it’s over, because she’s the best thing that ever happened to you and now she is gone and what in the f**k are you going to do?”

“Everyone with cognitive ability can judge you, whether you like or acknowledge it or not.”

“Practice is generally very important, but practicing does not guarantee that you will even come close to achieving perfection.”

“Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater or with anything else. Are you f**king crazy? You can’t just toss a baby out on its own. It’s a baby, you crazy bastard!”

“People who live in glass houses should not throw stones and they should also be hyper-aware of where they walk around when they are naked.”

“A picture is not always worth a thousand words. Don’t believe me? Here’s a picture of a rock. Give me 1,000 words on this photo before the end of the day.”

“There is absolutely such thing as a free lunch.”

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, but also don’t be afraid to improve it if you can. I mean, why wouldn’t you?”

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, because horse mouths are gross and they have gigantic teeth, but do find out why someone is giving you a horse as a present. Those things are expensive.”

“Too many cooks in the kitchen might make too much food and then some of it will probably go to waste.”

“If you can’t beat ‘em, do your best to avoid ‘em and not think about ‘em.”

“A penny saved is just a penny, and pennies are so irrelevant that they shouldn’t’ even be in circulation anymore.”

“You can put all of your eggs in one basket if the basket is large enough, but be careful with that basket of eggs because eggs break easily.”

“Absence makes the sexting sessions more frequent.”

“If you want something done right and you have the means, hire an expert to do it for you.”

“Work hard, rest easy.”

“The keyboard is mightier than the sword unless the person wielding the sword chops your motherf**king keyboard in half.”

“There are so many places like home, especially if your home is a house in one of those cookie-cutter housing developments where every place is designed to look more or less the same.”

“You can make an omelet without breaking a few eggs if it’s an egg-white omelet and you buy your egg whites in a carton at the grocery store.”

“Blood cancer killed the cat.”

“Beggars really can be choosers, sometimes.”

“All good things must come to an end, if you consider death to be an end.”

“You can judge a book by its cover, but you might be incorrect about the quality of the contents that lie within.”