film reel

Summer is upon us. It has been upon us for some time. I’d wish it stop being upon me. It’s crushing me and making me sweat profusely. But if there’s one good thing about summer, it’s all the beautiful ladies in clothing short on fabric. If there are two good things about summer, it’s the hotties and the fact that summer movie season has arrived.

To help you figure out what you should be seeing, I did write-ups of the Top 10 movies this summer.  Oh and since I have neither the time nor the money to watch a movie that’s not on Netflix, the write-ups are based solely on the movie poster. But being the cinephile I am, this is all I need to complete a comprehensive summary and analysis. In order of the current top-grossing movies of the summer:

X-Men: Days of Future Past

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This movie’s great. It’s about the X-Men, and how Wolverine likes to look at Mystique’s right boob but play it off as if he’s doing a cool pose. As a result, they grow to ginormous proportions and inevitably cause massive explosions. Also Ironman clones himself and decides he wants to chase the Blackbird (or X-Jet as some call it). Captain Picard has a brief but memorable cameo where he sits on a floating chair and is forced to watch an entire episode of Sex Sent Me To The ER, the show that’s being referenced by the phrase “Days of Future Past,” You can tell he’s watching it by the expression on his face.

It’s a must-watch movie, based solely on Mystique’s right boob.

Maleficent

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In a plastic surgery operation gone awry, Angelina Jolie finally gets those high cheekbones and pasty skin she’s always wanted. But the high cheekbones open up a wormhole that creates a parallel universe inside her body. Mind. Blown. In the parallel universe, she sees herself sans-cheekbones sleeping soundly. There are three fairies that flit about to make sure all the food cheekbone Jolie swallows doesn’t land on sleeping Jolie. This is based on Jolie’s actual life, where her 384 children flit about her to make sure she doesn’t ingest any food other than a single leaf of kale a day. The sparkles are tiny fairy poops that just float about from the fairies eating the food that they catch, but luckily the flowers mask all of the smell.

I’d only recommend viewing this if you are an Angelina Jolie enthusiast. Or a cheekbone enthusiast.

Transformers: Age of Extinction

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As this is a Michael Bay film, you know there’s gonna be hella explosions. You also know there’s not going to be much character development. Or plot in general. That being said, explosions have been able to carry a movie (as proven by any action movie from the 80’s). What sets this movie apart is that mecha dinosaurs and Transformers are standing together instead of facing extinction by becoming the knights and horses of a mecha-feudal system. Then, based on the background, they use this system to destroy the real dinosaurs that are (still) leftover after 3 (soon to be 4) Jurassic Park movies. The scene that’s featured in the poster is actually when Optimus Prime is giving the speech from Braveheart. There’s an explosion happening just off to the right.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed with life, watch this. You’ll basically black out for a couple of hours.

The Amazing Spiderman 2

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Spiderman’s greatest battle begins. Man oh man. What a setup. Sadly this is a bit disappointing, as his greatest battle is figuring out which way is up (he got it wrong on the poster). On the upside, he’s able to fold the city around itself like this scene in Inception, ‘cause honestly that’s the only way those perspectives in that poster work.

I’d skip this one. If they can’t get up and down right on a poster, just think of how bad they’ll botch it in the movie.

Godzilla

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Ok, this is a tough one because I actually saw this movie, and it’s pretty damn awesome. But, based on the poster I’d say Godzilla makes the sky cry flaming blood. Which is just as pretty damn awesome.

Definitely watch it.

22 Jump Street

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Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill showcase different colored sunglasses. Channing looks better in all of them. I feel pretty confident this is actually what this movie is about.

Go to Sunglasses Hut and watch the sunglasses there instead. Much more entertaining.

 

How To Train Your Dragon 2

 

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The big miss of How To Train Your Dragon 2 is that it completely sidesteps the Training Day portion, where the lead character (I’m assuming on the left) goes undercover as a drug dealer in the dragon hood and yells “King Kong ‘aint got shit on me!” at all the dragons when they turn on him for being corrupt. Alas, training is over, and he’s made it through to the other side. Which apparently means posing with friends who are much less attractive than you (and a hot gal next to him whom he really likes but who “just wants to be friends and not train dragons”). Interesting tidbit, you can see the dragons that turned on him flying in the background.

 Skip it unless you have kids, in which case you’ve probably seen it already.

Neighbors

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From the guys that brought you This Is The End, this is the end of Seth Rogen’s career. JK, he totes nails it based on that near-successful eyebrow raise (you’re not supposed to squint the other eye, Seth!). This movie is about the juxtaposition of a family with a fraternity. What you learn throughout the movie is that a fraternity is a lot more like a family than you may have thought. That’s why the members are called “brothers.” Also, I think the red cup in Zac’s hand is a metaphor that’s explained by Seth having the baby in a similar location. But I’m not a metaphorologist, so I can’t be sure.

 I’d skip it.

The Fault In Our Stars

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This movie was shot entirely from that angle, to represent the up-and-down nature of these two lovebirds’ relationship. Anyway, the two boys in this movie really have chemistry, and you think that they’re really going to make it. Not the typical summer blockbuster, sure, but then a distant star has an earthquake along its fault, releasing gamma rays that destroy Earth. Morgan Freeman plays the president.

 The way the title plays on the end of the world theme prevalent throughout the movie, it sounds like it’ll be an intense movie. I’d suggest watching.

Dawn of the Planet of The Apes

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The new Planet of the Apes movie takes the “No plotline is safe from us copping” mentality of Transformers to a new level, in the sense that it just completely cops the plotline of Transformers. So instead of mecha dinosaurs, it’s apes. The rest (feudal system, dinos from Jurassic Park) is the same. The only departure is that in this movie horses can gallop on water.

 As I haven’t seen apes blow things up to anything near Bay-ian levels, I’d skip it.

Edge of Tomorrow

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I know, I know, I said top 10 not top 11. But Cruise factor must be included in every movie list. Luckily this review is going to be short (no offense Tommy, I’m talking ‘bout the review here). The movie isn’t worth watching, even if you’re a Scientologist. Basically what happens is Tom hits a power stance, then the gal with the giant machete slices him in two. Live. Die. Repeat.

Must watch. Tom Cruise will haunt your dreams if you don’t.