The Interwebs is abuzz with the current on-set celebrity meltdown video of everyone’s favorite Julia Roberts adulterer, Dennis Quaid. If you haven’t seen the video, you can check it out here, but I’ll give you the synopsis: Dennis Quaid gets really mad at innocuous transgression, shouts a couple of expletives, storms off.

Unlike the now-historic Christian Bale meltdown of ‘08, accompanying the release of Quaidmageddon (Quaidpocalypse? Quaidytrain? Quaidus Breakdown?) were conspiracy rumors that the meltdown was fake. Now, this first and foremost proves that Dennis Quaid is the poor-man’s Kevin Costner we all know he is. Dude can’t even sell us on a fake meltdown video. Or what’s worse, he actually did have a meltdown and is so terrible that we think it’s fake.

In any case, these instincts were dead on, as Funny or Die revealed they were supposedly the ones behind the meltdown with this video here. I say supposedly, ‘cause this intrepid reporter for one ‘ain’t buyin’ it. Why didn’t Funny Or Die let the rumor mill grind for a while? Even by Internet-age standards, the reveal happened way too quickly. Were they really worried about losing media attention? Did they get butt-hurt that Kimmel was getting the glory? Or did they really just want to give an explanation before someone discovered the real truth behind the meltdown?

What I see here is a classic case of real-conspiracy-covered-up-by-parody-video explanation. This is a tale as old as time, and has literally happened ones of times. I’ve seen the movie Conspiracy Theory. I know how this stuff goes. Case and point — Julia Roberts was in that movie. Guess what other actor was in a movie with Julia Roberts? I’ll give you a hint — I gave you the answer in the very first sentence of this article. The signs are there, people, you just have to be willing to read them. Here are my top-three suspects of who was really behind this:

Scientology
If there ever was a cult religion to mastermind a parody video cover-up, Scientology is it. No clue how Dennis is connected to Scientology, but they’ve proven time and again that they’re not just batshit crazy, but they’ve got no qualms against doing this type of guano-crazy thing to protect themselves. They’re a conspiracy theorist’s wet dream. Does it help that I saw Going Clear just before all of this went down? If you’re reading conspiracy signs like I am, it totally does. I connected a piece of red yarn from a printout of the Scientology headquarters to my signed Dennis Quaid headshot, and guess what… it was a perfectly straight line.

The Government
Let’s not kid ourselves, the government is behind everything. I mean, they’ve had secret chips implanted in us at birth since ‘78. They’re behind seasonal allergies (developed as bio warfare, as proven in Outbreak). They’re the reason I’m soft in my mid-section, despite not exercising at all. I’m not well-versed in all the current government conspiracies, but methinks it probably has to do with the whole Hillary Clinton Chipotle kerfuffle (the government is clearly pro-Qdoba).

Randy Quaid
How has no one picked up on the fact that you’re seeing a video of questionable background, and the starring actor’s brother is like the Michael Jordan of the term “questionable!?” This dude has been at it for years now. He’s got soundbyte after soundbyte of crazy. From burglarizing/squatting in homes, seeking asylum from the “Hollywood star whackers,” to bangin’ his wife while wearing a Rupert Murdoch mask in the holy grail of YouTube crazytown videos. Now, I could be mistaken. It could be the aforementioned whackers and/or government who are using poor Dennis to get to Randy. But the dude’s gotta be involved. It could even be a brilliant PR move to play off all of Randy’s true craziness as a fake viral strategy.