Every guy should have a pair of jeans. In fact, I’m willing to bet that every guy has a pair of jeans. Honestly, why wouldn’t you? They’re multi-purpose perpetually fashionable powerhouses, AND gluten free (which I think means wearing jeans is healthy or something). But just because every guy has a pair of jeans doesn’t mean that every guy has the right pair of jeans. What is the right pair of jeans? Well, I’m glad I pretended you asked me that.
The right pair of jeans is the pair you can dress up or dress down. They’re your go-to when you don’t know what to wear, or are too hungover to think about it. They’re comfy yet form-complementing. They’re your sexy pants and have definitely gotten you laid (or at least helped). They’re special. They didn’t make TWO entire movies dedicated to the magic of the right pair of jeans for nothing.
But you can just as easily end up with a wrong pair of jeans, which are the complete antithesis of everything I just said. Fear not, though, for I am here to guide you. Here are three tips to keep in mind when buying jeans:
The golden rule of jeans. The jeans have to fit you. For instance, I have a super-athletic and muscular build that may or may not be classified as a dad bod. I cannot wear skinny jeans. I look ridiculous in them. I’m not saying no one should ever wear them. Some people can wear skinny jeans. They’re generally called “skinny people.” This tip requires you to know your measurements, and know what looks good on you (don’t tell my girlfriend I said this, but a significant other really helps here). Yes, this conflicts with the universal guy rule of “Never try shit on. If it doesn’t fit, burn it and buy another one,” but make an exception for jeans. Figure out what size you are, and be aware when the jeans simply don’t fit.
There are almost as many types of jeans as there are types of candles in Yankee Candle. I’m kidding of course, because there aren’t infinite amounts of jeans. Seriously, Yankee Candle, stop making candle scents. No one wants to walk into a room smelling like Whiskers on Kittens. My point is that there are a number of types of jeans (traditionally called “cuts”). Slim. Relaxed. Loose. Skinny. Tapered. Straight. The list goes on. For the most part these are fairly straightforward. Slim is slim-fitting. Loose is baggy. Skinny is painted on. In general the thing to keep in mind with cut is that you want a type that’s your Goldilocks — not too tight, not too loose, not too porridgy. And if you’re considering buying bootcuts, go ahead and punch yourself in the face real hard. No one should ever wear bootcut jeans. It doesn’t matter that you’re wearing boots, you look ridiculous.
Price Does Not Equal Nice
Finally and most frustratingly, is a word on price. Just because jeans are more expensive, doesn’t mean they’ll immediately be better for you. You’d think that if you just shell out a ton of dough on jeans you’d automatically have your awesome-fitting sexy pants, right? Nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact you can almost automatically assume that high-priced jeans will look terrible. Don’t believe me? Look at these two jeans:
If you’ve spent a long day painting in your studio and you’re late for a date and don’t have time to change, I guess you can wear jeans with paint splashed all over them. Fine, we get it, you’re an artist. You’ll still look like a douchecanvas, but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you actually work with paint. But if you buy a pair of jeans that already have the paint smeared all over them, and “artistically” at that, then your douche game is at a whole ‘nother level and you deserve to have the 300 dollars this atrocity goes for taken from you.
These jeans. I don’t even know where to start. They have a flap where a fly should be. They have pockets on top of pockets. There are zippers at the knee that have nothing to do with turning them into shorts. AND THEY’RE $850.
Basically, if they fit well and don’t cost more than your car payment, you’re pretty much good to go!