There are many varieties of mustache. Not every guy can grow every kind, but Lord knows some keep trying. With Movember hurtling rapidly towards us, it is time to prepare our poker faces as we charge through 30 days of deeply questioning our fellow man’s choice of upper-lip adornment. And, yes, while Movember is indeed a valuable initiative that seeks to raise awareness and funds for men’s health research including testicular and prostate cancer, that doesn’t mean you won’t end up looking like a bit of a douchebag. If you and your mates have any money left after all of those ice-bucket challenges you donated towards (you donated, right?), why not just do us all a favor and give the money without making us suffer through putting on a brave face at your face whiskers.
If you’re still intent on growing the lip whiskers then take some tips from us and the Douchebag Scale. Try to avoid sending the machine into overdrive, would you?
The Pencil
There’s a reason why this should only be attempted by those who are out and proud about their weirdness. The likes of film director John Waters, actor Vincent Price, or musicians Prince and Little Richard can pull it off because they have larger than life personalities to match their razor-thin mustaches. You, however, will probably just end up looking like you shaved too much off and tried to fix it. Badly.
Douchebag Level: 3/10. Unless you wear equally flamboyant outfits, it’s best to not attempt a pencil. You won’t look like a tool, but you likely won’t look good, either.
The Chevron
Aah, the chevron. Emblematic of the hyper-masculine ‘70s and ‘80s where men were men, even as their shorts rode higher than a thong in summer. Sadly, unless you’re Parks and Recreation’s Ron Swanson, you’ll probably just end up looking like a boy trying to be a real man. Instead of Tom Selleck, you’ll look like that dumpy P.E. teacher you once had in high school.
Douchebag Level: 5/10. Unless you’ve got the credentials (aka, the follicle abilities), you’ll just look silly rather than a grotesque representation of the so-called masculine ideal.
The Classic Mo’
Fairly standard and common amongst men, given it requires only mild facial maintenance and most men with some hair-growing ability can pull it off after a week or so without shaving. When grown on the right face, it can make a guy look like he stepped right out of a 1980s porno film, which to some people is a big turn on (predominantly gay men, so watch where you wear that thing). However, unless you are in fact a gay man, a sexy, swarthy Frenchman or have to wear an important uniform on the job, you’ll likely just look sleazy and like you’re trying too hard to prove your virility. Porno-chic isn’t for everyone.
Douchebag Level: 6/10. Many blokes can get away with it and is the safest bet for Movember action, but others just end up looking like Michael Cera and nobody needs that. We already have one of him.
The Mustache & Goatee Combo
If you want to relive the wild days of the 1990s (or are dressing up as Zorro, perhaps) then this option is for you. If, however, you remember that time and/or don’t want to look like a greasy James Franco wannabe, avoid it. The goatee (or even worse, the ‘flavor saver’ bottom lip catastrophe) actually makes you look immature, like you’ve finally managed to grow your first mustache.
Douchebag Level: 7/10. You’ll probably look slimy rather than truly douche, but, remember, there’s a reason why Ethan Hawke so frequently plays prickish characters.
The Horseshoe
Are you a cowboy? No. So why are you doing that to your face and why are you making us look at it? Do you think it’s impressive that you can grow something on your face that looks like a bad prop that somebody has attached with glue? Do you think copying Michael Phelps will help you score chicks? It won’t.
Douchebag Level: 8/10. Unless you are a member of a Village People tribute band, best to leave this particular facial fashion to ranch-hands, truckers, WWE wrestlers and band-members who haven’t showered in a week.
The Devil
Basically, an extended chin goatee with a pencil on the upper lip. Unless you’re able to grow facial hair that has the ability to defy gravity, this is unlikely to ever look good. And the time it takes to get to the final stage will be awkward for everybody with eyes and the inability to not laugh in someone’s face at their terrible decisions.
Douchebag Level: 9/10. Whoever convinced you to do this should be convicted of a hate crime.
The Handlebar Curl
No. Never. Stop it. Chop it off. You are not a circus ringleader, an evil genius, or a 19th century French baron so you just need to get rid of the curl. You’ll not only look like a douchebag, but a hipster douchebag at that. Nobody needs to look like a Disney cartoon or artisan sausage maker from Brooklyn.
Douchebag Level: 10/10. Maximum high-alert for douche potential.
