In the past I have wasted money on many things. As a kid I once spent my allowance on a “Welcome Back Kotter” action figure set instead of the “Planet of the Apes” action figure set – a colossal mistake. For my 23^rd birthday I once bought a pair of white jeans, despite the fact that my girlfriend at the time begged me not to. Again – colossal mistake. And just last month I spent $1.99 on Itunes purchasing a Katy Perry song. Yeah…I know.

But I will never, EVER spend my hard-earned cash on a cake pop.

Put in a simple math equation, cake + lollipop form = dumb. Nothing about a cake pop screams “yum”, “awesome”, or “gotta have it before I kill someone.” If anything it screams, “I am a fad. Please eat me before I fade away like carb-free chocolate.”

The entire concept of a cake pop just bugs the crap out of me (and, yeah, I’m easily bugged but come on, this is really, truly, ridiculously annoying). There can only be two outcomes when one buys and eats a cake pop:

Outcome #1: “Why did I buy that cake pop? It tasted amazing but it was so small that now I want to eat fifteen more!”

Outcome #2: “Why did I buy that cake pop? It tasted like ass and I just wasted $2.75 on it!”

Either way you are crap out of luck.

You will never have these two outcomes with a regular slice of cake. If it tastes incredible you get to eat more than one bite and if it sucks you can just pawn it off on a friend who doesn’t know jack about cake. You can’t do that with a cake pop. Go ahead, pawn off a half-eaten cake pop to a friend. See if that friend doesn’t stab you in the eye with the cake pop stick.

The worst is going to a friend’s birthday party and discovering that they are serving cake pops instead of regular birthday cake as a way of being “special.” Trust me, it is not special. I don’t care if it’s your party and you can do what you want. You are doing it wrong. If you invite me to your birthday party and you serve me a cake pop instead of a slice of birthday cake then I am taking the present I got you (which was probably really nice and thoughtful) and I am going home. I don’t need to be insulted like that.

And do not come to me with that nonsense of, “Well, I just need a taste of cake so a cake pop is perfect for me.”

Rot in hell, you godless commie bastard.

When has one bite of cake been enough for anyone? If you ate one bite of cake and someone took that cake away you’d be pissed. Well, that’s what a cake pop is doing. It’s toying with your emotions. And I don’t need my emotions toyed with. I had enough of that in high school.

To me, cake pops are not dessert. Not even close. They are someone’s idea of being clever. And unless you’re Tina Fey, you’re not winning me over with clever. So you have two choices:

Choice #1: Make a real cake.

Choice #2: Shrink me down so that the cake pop is as big as a Hyundai.