Dumb. It’s just so dumb.

Searching the Internet for picture after picture of plates of food is lame. If that fact pisses some fellow foodies off, so be it. It serves no function in any facet of a well-lived life. As much we all can certainly understand the importance of time suckage at work, staring at pictures of ossobucco is ridiculous – and ossobucco is awesome.

Why, why, why look at pictures of food? What are you doing? Pull your personal thing together, step away from the computer and eat some Wheat Thins. You are accomplishing nothing by scouring the web in search of that perfect-looking egg frittata.

Honestly, it’s more embarrassing being caught looking at food porn than at regular porn (if there really is a thing called “regular porn”) just because of its sheer stupidity. At least there is a need being served when looking at regular porn. It fills a void that might be missing in someone’s life. There is an action/reaction:

Problem: I am horny.

Action: I shall look at porn.

Reaction: I am no longer horny.

Not so with food porn:

Problem: I am hungry.

Action: I shall look at food porn.

Reaction: Still hungry!

There is a reason to look at porn – you can’t get laid. There is no reason to look at food porn. Food is pretty accessible. Three naked redheads rubbing baby oil all over each other is not. You need to look at food? Open up your fridge.

And please, don’t give us that “you taste with your eyes” nonsense. No, you don’t. You are not some mutant creature from the next universe that has special powers to taste with your eyes (unless you really are from another universe – then my apologies for my insensitivity). We are all human beings and we all taste with our mouths. And we can’t taste your food photo so who gives a damn if it looks good? It’s still a photo!

Also, you look ridiculous taking multiple – yes, multiple – shots of your plate of wildflower salad topped with roasted quail.

But what’s even more ridiculous is submitting your own food photos to food porn websites. Come on, people, you’re better than that. Spending the day shooting pics of your strawberry-upside-down-cake in natural light on your back patio table is not a productive way to spend your time. But then adding insult to injury by submitting said photo to numerous food porn sites in the hope that it might get published? Seriously, you are really truly hoping that your food photo gets selected? Please, have some respect for yourself.

Now, if food porn actually contained nudity (foodity?), then you’d be on to something. That would be worth scouring the Internet. A photo of a naked woman holding a spicy tuna hand roll in one hand, a chocolate peanut butter cake in the other and squeezing a can of Fresca between her legs is not even really porn.

We’d call that art.