delivery man

As far as I can tell Seamless, GrubHub, Delivery.com, and the like are deeply incorporated into the fabric of our society. Which is to say that if there exists such a place where I can’t have food delivered to my doorstep in under 10 mouse clicks (or finger swipes), then I do not consider such a heathenous place to have a true society. If Domino’s has the ability to tell you where in the conveyor-belt oven your sh**ty pizza is before delivering it to you, then there’s basically no excuse for a restaurant not to get in on one of the food delivery apps and join 2014.

My intent with this article is not to bash some quaint Mom-and-Pop restaurant in Galena, Illinois (though Roy, I did have to drive out to your damned spot just for a stupid order of hush puppies to go. That’s unacceptable!). My intent, rather, is to warn you of the perils that await once you truly and fully drink the food delivery app Kool-Aid (that was probably delivered to you after you ordered it online).

You see, I’m an avid user of these services. My particular poison is Seamless. I have absolutely no clue why I use Seamless all the time, it’s just that in some (probably drunken) moment I happened to install that one. Considering how much I use it, it’s weird that my general feeling around Seamless isn’t even positive. It’s basically disinterest and mild annoyance that it took 30 whole minutes from the point of tapping on my phone to the point that I have hot delicious food in front of me.

I started using the app completely out of necessity. To provide some perspective, the king of delivered food is pizza, and I can honestly say that I could count the amounts of time I had a pizza delivered (pre-Seamless) on one hand. But after my first insanely late-night of work, I needed a decent meal and I didn’t have the resources nor the energy to cook it myself. This necessity has grown into me trying to justify using the service. “Dammit, this chicken is still frozen! I’ll throw it in the fridge so I can cook tomorrow. In the meantime, guess I’m ordering online.” “Wait, I have to preheat the oven? ‘Aint nobody got time for that!”  “Ugh, I don’t have parsley to garnish my plate! Clearly I can’t make dinner. I guess I’ll have to use Seamless.” In short, Seamless has made me utterly lazy.

And therein lies the inherent peril in using this service. Sure, you’re creating unnecessary waste in the form of all those little plastic containers. Yeah, you’ll be spending what end up being exorbitant amounts of money (compared to cooking it yourself). But it’s the laziness that’s the pitfall. You’ll soon find yourself expecting that same laziness in everything you do. You’ll start ordering your groceries online so you don’t have to actually walk to the store (via FreshDirect). Why walk to the curb and wait on a cab when you can order one through your phone via Uber? Hair too long? Just get your hair shortened online through Clickz4Cutz.com! Ok so that doesn’t actually exist… but if you’re an investor looking for a budding new industry, let’s talk.

So do yourself a favor. The next time you find yourself reaching for your phone to plug in a food order for delivery, take a pause, and then go cook your own meal. You’ll ultimately be retaining some good “do work” qualities that will help you lead a more productive life. Besides, you’ll probably just open up a can of something that you heat up in the microwave. Which in the grand scheme of things isn’t all that much more physical work.