Anyone who believes in creationism knows that on the 4th day God hocked a loogie and out came vinegar.

And it was good.

Let’s just all agree that if it weren’t for vinegar life would be so bad that all the smart people with good taste would kill themselves, leaving only the idiots who are into aioli and “Dance Moms.” And those idiots would eventually kill themselves, leaving only bigger idiots who like no wasabi in their soy sauce and “Duck Dynasty.”

So you can see why vinegar is so important to the preservation of mankind.

No other food item is more versatile.  Veggies, pastas, meat, chicken, fish, bread – all of these are honored to have vinegar drizzled on them. Even fruit. Ever had a fig with a nice vinegar on it? That’s a damn fine gustatory sensation and you owe it all to that lovely liquid. There’s nothing vinegar can’t handle. Got a bunch of cucumbers but don’t feel like having a salad, or a spa day at home? No worries, just toss those suckers in some vinegar for a couple of months and you’ve got homemade pickles.  Put some vinegar on a dish and – BANG – that dish is immediately better.

And lest we forget, vinegar is essentially squashed up grapes left to go sour. That is friggin’ brilliant. Someone very long ago stepped on some grapes, thinking he or she was going to make wine, let it sit too long, came back, tasted it and said, “Yuck. This wine tastes awful…but I bet if I pour it over these leaves I just picked I’d have a nice meal and I wouldn’t have to eat my horse.”

I love all vinegars (and I know deep down in my heart they love me right back). Red wine vinegar was the first vinegar I ever had. It’s almost like I lost my virginity to it, only the experience lasted longer and tasted better than the time I actually lost my virginity. And distilled white vinegar should not be hated on. Yes, you can buy a gallon of it for something like $1.73 but it goes great with Chinese dumplings and is also a damn fine cleaning solvent.   But if I’m forced to pick one I’m obviously going to go with balsamic.

To borrow from Miller High Life, balsamic really is the champagne of vinegars. There are many unnecessary purchases I would make if I had an endless supply of cash.  On top of that list, right next to an original pair of Hammer’s parachute pants, would be a one hundred dollar bottle of high-end balsamic vinegar.  It would be totally worth it. First of all, check out that deep, rich color. Beautiful, isn’t it? Now smell it. Go ahead, no one is watching. Jam your schnoz in that bottle and take a whiff. You know what you are smelling? You are smelling awesomeness and if you wanted to dab a little balsamic on your neck and use it as your own personal scent I certainly wouldn’t hold it against you. Now, finally, taste it. No no, don’t get a cracker or a piece of bread. Drink that balsamic right from the bottle. Get it straight from the source. How’s that grabbing you? Okay, maybe that was a bad idea. Drinking any vinegar straight is never a pleasant experience – one thousand apologies.

I can safely say that there is some sort of higher power out there that created vinegar and that higher power should be worshiped.  And since there is no name for this supreme being that came up with this delicious, haunting liquid I shall come up with a name that we all can worship. So tonight, when you are tossing your salad with white wine vinegar or you are at the stove doing a balsamic vinegar reduction, I want you to stop and give rightful thanks to the God of Vinegar –

Who shall be named…Vinny.