oystersLook, it’s no big secret that certain foods are really sexy. Not all foods – certain foods. And I am here to help you differentiate between food that makes you wanna rip your clothes off and food that makes you wanna sit on the couch and fart. So here we go – take notes if you need:

Sexy Foods

*Oysters on the half shell – You know the rumor that raw oysters are an aphrodisiac? Well, it’s not a rumor; it’s a stone cold fact. That’s why these beautiful creatures were so popular in the 80’s, the sexiest decade ever. (Just to clarify, I’m talking about the 1980s, not the 1880s, which were sexy in a completely different way.) Trust me; grab a half shell, squeeze a little lemon juice on the oyster meat, slide it down your throat and then get naked…even if you are in a restaurant.

*Steak Florentine – By nature all meat that’s grilled is sexy. That’s not just me talking – anyone who’s won a Nobel Prize will back me up on this. And if that grilled meat is on the rare side, it’s even sexier. And if that grilled, rare meat is simply prepared with garlic, salt, pepper, lemon, olive oil then we are talking major league sexy. And, if that grilled, rare, simply prepared meat is still on the bone…well that is just the definition of food porn right there.

*Linguini and clam sauce – Damone from Fast Times At Ridgemont High was dead on when he said, “The lady will have the linguini with clam sauce, and a coke with no ice.” In name and taste linguini is the sexiest pasta in all of Pastaland (suck on that, cappelini!), and adding garlic and white wine to it takes it to another level of sexiness that we’ll call “Sexy Mach II.”

*A shot of rotgut, bottom of the barrel tequila – Something about this just screams nasty, dirty sex. It says, “I don’t care who you are. Let’s just get really drunk really fast and get to it. Then go away.”

*Red Velvet Cake – Maybe the sexiest food there is. Sweet, moist, creamy, and red – those four worlds describe not only all the best things about the cake, but also all the best things about sex.  If you can’t get laid after eating a big piece of red velvet cake then give up and get thee to a monastery.

Not Sexy Foods

*Salad – A good rule of thumb; no one has ever gotten laid from ordering a salad on a dinner date. EVER.

* Falafel – Yes, it tastes good but it really is the goofiest food of all time. Ground up chickpeas fried into a ball? Come on! No one eats that and thinks sexy thoughts. First of all, nothing eaten in ball form is a turn on (go ahead, think about it for a sec – I’ll wait). Secondly, it’s fried and have you ever tried to be sexy after eating fried food? And lastly, it’s called falafel. Try saying the following line is a slow, sexy whisper: “Baby you are so hot. I just wanna eat you up like a plate of falafels.” Can’t be done.

* Corn – Have you ever been at a summer BBQ and watched someone gnawing on a corncob? And have you at that moment thought, “Jesus, if I don’t have sex with that person right now then my entire summer will be a waste?” I think not.

* Ranch dressing – Even the horniest guy in the world wouldn’t want to make out with a woman after she has eating Ranch dressing. Even if the taste was pleasurable it’s still the unsexiest food out there. The look, the texture, and the smell – none of it evokes one night in Bangkok, you know what I’m saying?

* Champagne – Truly the most overrated “sexy” drink. It’s a cliché. It’s for people who think the sex scenes in “Grey’s Anatomy” are hot. Champagne, even the most expensive, is good for celebrations and that’s it. My advice; drink something else alcoholic, have sex and THEN have some champagne to celebrate the fact that you just had sex.