On Saturday, January 14, 2013, China landed on the moon, making them the third country ever to do so behind the U.S. and the Soviet Union. However, it should be noted that although landing on the moon is an incredible achievement, the Soviet Union did it 37 years ago. That makes this achievement sort of an afterthought. Regardless of how impressive China’s ambitions are for the future, as 2013 draws to a close several other nonexistent achievements come to mind that would make me much happier to read about.
1. Miley Cyrus Disappearing Into a Vortex – After the VMA performance that apparently will live on in infamy, the world cannot get over the scandalous persona adopted by the former Disney star. Apparently Miley made words like twerking and Molly very popular, which is a good thing? In fact, I would be just fine if she disappeared from the pop stratosphere tomorrow (however unlikely).
2. Justin Bieber Stops Acting Like Punk – After spitting on fans, disrespecting the Argentinian flag, creating graffiti in Australia, harassing Calabasas neighbors, and visiting Brazilian brothels it would thrill me to see this 19-year-old act like a pseudo-adult, show some respect and, I don’t know, maybe not be an entitled, annoying diaper wearing blip on my news feed every friggin day.
3. Lady Gaga Puts Clothes On – This pop singer loves the fame and lives for the applause. She also loves doing photo spreads in the buff. As thrilling as this apparently is for her, as a spectator the thrill is long gone. It’s a sad, tired gimmick at this point. Put on some clothes. No! Not some mobile contraption you are waving around and calling “art.” Just plain old clothes.
4. Kanye West Being Self-Deprecating – The guy refers to himself as “Steve Jobs,” the “nucleus” and a “god.” If would do wonders for me to see this egomaniac make a humble statement about himself. Sorry Kanye, you’re not a soldier or Jesus. You are a rapper dating a reality star. Take it easy.
5. Lamar Odom Playing in the NBA Again – Few people have had the world-class nightmare year that this guy has had. Granted, it’s completely his fault. With constant drug-addiction and infidelity stories surfacing, the guy’s reputation is all but destroyed. But just recently his wife Khloe Kardashian filed for divorce from the NBA champion. Who knows where or if Odom will ever wear a pro basketball jersey again. But in this case, I believe in second chances. Or is it fifth chances?