Live in an apartment? Loud and rude neighbors upstairs? After politely talking to them several times, and listening to them apologize and promise to keep the noise down, are they still ignoring your requests?

If the people you share a common space with blast techno music at 9am, 3pm and 2am respectively, in addition to running around, jumping up and down, screaming, dropping garbage off their balcony and generally making your life a miserable hell, there are a few things you can do to get even. Sure, call the police or get the building’s owner involved if you think that will help. But if the cops or your landlord have got better things to do, it’s up to you to settle the score

While the revenge tips here might not necessarily be legal — and perhaps even borderline evil — they could be pretty damn fun and incredibly stress-relieving. That being said, these are things you should probably only fantasize about — in case your stupid neighbors are whacked-out gun nuts with itchy trigger fingers. Also, you don’t want to land in jail if you cross the not-always-clearly-defined line of legality. Even so, mentally relishing in a bit of payback can be a very cathartic experience.

Cut the Power
If the folks upstairs are blasting music all night long, and you have the technical know-how, cut the power to the building, or more specifically, their apartment. The beauty of this approach is that when the power suddenly shuts off, people usually don’t bother to hit the “Off” button on their stereo systems. When you start the power up again at 5am, the music will wake up your naughty neighbors with a thunderous roar, just as all of the lights come on.

Bag of Poop
Not flaming poop. If you start a fire and burn the building down, that’s going a tad too far (and would make you a felon). Also, you’d be out of a place to live, too. Just collect a lot of fresh feces (dog, cow — whatever), fill a paper bag to the brim with the stuff, and then late a night, strategically set it in front of your irritating neighbors’ door. Chances are, when they wake in the morning (or late afternoon if they’re the lazy sort) and exit the residence, their shoes will land plop down in the center of a squishy bag of crapola.

Tape the Buzzer (Bell)
This one is simple, but you’ll have to use your stealthy ninja skills some. If there’s an outside buzzer to your building, figure out when your horrible and stupid neighbors tend to fall into a deep sleep, and then go outside and tape the buzzer down so that it will ring constantly. The trick here is sneaking back into your own apartment before they wake up, figure out what’s going on, and head downstairs to deal with the problem. Do this once a month, at different times, just to drive them mad.

Vague, Non-Specific Ransom Notes
Now lets be clear here: A real ransom note with a threat or demand for money is tremendously illegal. But, if you just cut out letters from magazines and newspapers, and glue them to a note that looks kind of ransom-like, well, that will just creep your neighbors out — and stay within the bounds of the law (I think).

Anonymously drop off notes saying benign things, like, “Chocolate tastes best in the winter, next to a romantic fire,” or perhaps, “I like dogs, but not cats. What’s you opinion on the matter?” Vaguely disturbing and puzzling, although in a nonthreatening way.

Escort Services Galore
Get a burner, call up different escort services (or massage services, or whatever name the authorities tend to let slide by in your neck of the woods) on your burner, and order gals and guys and dominatrixes to you neighbors’ apartment. Late at night, early in the evening, whenever. Sure to mess with their heads — or at the very least, make them rethink their sexual proclivities.

Door Parties
If you want to really escalate the sound war, why not have a party outside your disrespectful neighbors’ door? The drawback here is that by doing so you’ll definitely be outing yourself as the building provocateur. How much exposure you’re willing to take on is up to you.

If you do go this route, gather up your friends, some folding chairs and tables, beverages, snacks, and a kick-ass portable stereo that can really crack the decibels. Stay up until four in the morning partying away. If you’re neighbors are large people who like to punch other people in the face, you might what to skip this option entirely. As sweet as revenge can be, it isn’t worth a trip to the hospital.