Move over NFL. Take a hike, NHL. PBA, how are you still even around? The only professional sport that matters, both now and forever, is the NPGL. What’s the NPGL, you say? Oh you dear, sweet, simple-minded, idiot, how could you not know? The NPGL is the National Pro Grid League, or simply Grid (as if I even need to tell you that). It is America’s fastest growing sport. That’s probably not true, but Grid sounds even more amazing when I say that. In fact, it’s not just America’s fastest growing sport, it is the only professional sport that has cured cancer and spread world peace.
What is true about Grid is that it’s the world’s first true co-ed spectator sport. In its inaugural season this year, the sport features two teams that compete in 11 races progressing across the four quadrants of the playing field, aptly named the grid. ‘Cause it’s basically a bunch of boxes:
In fact, rather than explain all of the rules, here’s a nifty infographic explaining what Grid is:
But what actually happens in a race? How is a team “Faster Together?” And why do teams have to have one player that’s over 40 years old? Well, to answer the last question first, it’s important for middle-aged people to remain active! And since “Faster Together” is also the team slogan in my bedroom, I’ll jump to the first question and lay out a sample race, which goes thusly:
- The race is 5:00
- Two female athletes complete one element per quadrant
- Elements include:
- 40 Deadlift at 205 lb
- 40 Chest-to-bar pull-up
- 4 Rope Climb
- 40 Ground-to-overhead at 105
- 1st place gets two points, 2nd place gets one point
Hold up, you may be thinking. This just sounds like they’re working out. Um, DUH. That’s the genius of Grid! Grid doesn’t care about the pageantry of playing an actual game of any kind. Grid doesn’t bother itself with things like “Wanting to watch the game not the preparation for the game.” Grid knows that most professional athletes spend 99% of their time not actually playing the sport of their profession. They spend it training. So let’s get rid of that pesky 1% (we are the 99% after all, amirite?)!
Look, I get that things like CrossFit (and the CrossFit Games) have made working out cool. And sure, everyone loves some friendly competition thrown into the mix. I’ll be the first to profess my love of a good World’s Strongest Man competition. Seeing ‘ol Magnus Samuelsson and all those other Icelandic behemoths toss kegs like they’re acorns should bring a rush to all. But a workout-oriented team sport with convoluted rules and an even more convoluted playing field? I can’t possibly see how this sport will survive.
Although when I think about it, there’s really no reason for it not to. As I’ve already alluded to, athletes are always going to work out. Spectators are always going to revel in the thrill of competition. And as far as I can tell people are always going to be aging past 40. On top of all of that, NBC Sports is always going to need something to fill its coveted(?) evening schedule. So what the hell. Let’s see some proper lifting techniques and let that chalk fly (LeBron, here’s your chance to do that stupid chalk thing in a relevant setting). Besides, I’m already emotionally invested in my NY Rhinos (go fightin’ ‘No’s!), and I don’t think I can get a refund on my team embroidered workout gloves.
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