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#longhairdontcare

I’ve been growing my hair out recently in an effort to become more carefree. And it hasn’t worked for shit. I’m just as bonkers and high-strung as I used to be. My mane is now the longest it’s been since college, but I still find myself giving the same amount of f**ks as I always have about most things. What I’m saying is that this hashtag, like many things Lil’ Wayne says, does not make any sense. It sounds like something a person might say while heavily under the influence of codeine.

#followme

I admit that I’m pretty bad when it comes to trying to publicize myself through social media, but to blatantly ask someone for a follow is just way too much. It’s better to post your work, or a funny or poignant or interesting tweet, and just leave it there. Let it speak for itself. If you’re interesting enough to follow, the followers will eventually come.

#blessed

I think this is the worst hashtag that has ever made it to prominence. (I say this, though, acknowledging that I am a mostly godless man, and that any god I believe in doesn’t use social media.) There are times when this hashtag deserves to be used, like if you’re celebrating being cancer-free or having a healthy child, but it’s used so inappropriately so often by narcissistic religious people that it can no longer be taken seriously. It’s gotten to a point where this hashtag is used ironically more than any other in the short history of hashtags. I’ve done it many times myself, but it is time to acknowledge that it has jumped the shark. We need to let #blessed go away. Forever.

#mcm

This stands for Man Crush Monday. I love the Man Crush as much (OK, more) than the next guy, but this hashtag is misguided more often than not. I always log onto Instagram or Twitter and see pictures or married people, or people who are in serious relationships, posting under the #mcm hashtag. Which is stupid. It’d be cool to open one of these apps and see that a random woman has professed that she has a crush on me. What isn’t cool is people expressing that they have crushes on the people THEY’RE ALREADY BONING. Nobody needs reassurance that you have a crush on the person you’re in a monogamous relationship with.

#thatviewthough

“View” can be substituted with many other nouns, of course, but my gripe with this hashtag remains the same: it’s unlikely that people are putting you on blast, saying things like “Why in the hell are you at the beach?!” or “Only idiots go to Top of the Rock!” or “Nobody wants to see a picture of the Grand Canyon, you loser!” Using this hashtag is just a way of arguing with no one. And it’s weird.

#hadto

Unless you are being held captive in a place with 3G access and your captors give you a smart phone, there is absolutely no reason that you ever “have to” send a Tweet or upload a photo to Instagram. And if, say, someone is holding a gun to your head and screaming “POST IT!!!!! POST IT RIGHT F**KING NOW!!!! OR ELSE!!!!” then you’re not going to bother with that hashtag anyway.

#nofilter

We can already see that.

#nomakeup

We can also already see that. And it doesn’t really make you brave or anything.

#sorrynotsorry

Apologizing for being unapologetic is completely nonsensical, and you always sound like a douche when you use this hashtag. It’s kind of akin to saying “I don’t want to sound like I’m stereotyping, but… Asian people take a lot of pictures! Like even more than I do on my Instagram!”

#humblebrag

Humble-bragging is one of the worst social media sins a person can commit. Acknowledging that you’re humble-bragging when you’re humble-bragging is even worse, because it shows us all that you’re self-aware of your extreme doucheyness.

#justsaying

This just adds nothing at all to any post or dialogue.

#winning

People still use this. Seriously. I think my mom just discovered it, actually.

#yolo

I don’t know about you guys, but I use social media as an escape from the daunting existential thoughts that plague my daily life. The last thing I want to see when I log on is a reminder that I am very mortal and very fragile.