If I mess up it is only because I am not perfect and I am just a human being trying to make it through this crazy, confusing, mixed up world. But when you mess up it is a legitimate f*#k up, you are trying to do me harm, and you are a very, bad person.

When I make a mistake you need to not yell at me and realize that I was just doing my very best. When you f*#k up you need to be screamed at for a least a period twenty-five minutes, followed by an extensive laundry list of what’s wrong with you and how you need to improve immediately or lose my love forever.

Your f*#k-ups affect me much more than my mistakes affect you. Your f*#k-ups are causing me emotional and, quite possibly, physical pain. My mistakes are minor at best and are no cause for concern and most certainly will not affect your well being. So you may be under the misconception that my mistakes are f*#k ups — they most assuredly are not. I may be doing wrong, but you are doing really, really wrong.

If I am driving and I realize I need to get out of this left turn lane, it is because I am new to his area, am not sure where I am going and am really, truly sorry that I am causing such a minor inconvenience. When you are trying to get out of the exact same turn lane, you are a moron, the worst driver ever, have no respect for the rules or etiquette of the road, need to have your license revoked, and possible be sent to prison.

When I forget to bring you back the Vitamix blender I borrowed six months ago, it is only because I am really busy and it just slipped my mind. I promise you I will return it next time I see you. Promise. When you forget to return my squash racket you are truly f*#king s*#t up. I know I said I don’t play squash anymore and you could “bring it back whenever” but, goddamn, it’s been ONE WEEK. Why are you so insistent on abusing my generosity and good will? You are being irresponsible with my stuff and you are not being a good friend.

And when I get drunk off of Peppermint Schnapps and barf on your dog, come on. That is a common mistake that could happen to anyone. But it was YOUR Peppermint Schnapps that I drank so this is totally your f*#k-up. If anything, you should be apologizing go me.

Intellectually, I know that none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. But emotionally I know that your mistake is so much of a mistake that it is actually a colossal f*#k-up and you need to be punished for it. And unfortunately emotions kick the crap out of intellect every time, therefore I am okay and you are the farthest thing from it.

Why are you constantly f*#king up? Why can’t you be like me and just make mistakes? Seriously, it’s not that complicated. If you would just apply yourself and try a little harder than you would only make mistakes. The line between making mistakes and f*#king up is really pretty razor-thin. But unfortunately you have not only crossed that line, you have long-jumped over it into the sand pit that is f*#k-ups. I am here to make you see that, but it is up to you to fix it. So it’s all on you.

Because I can’t possibly f*#k up. To f*#k up means that I am on the same level as everyone else. To f*#k up means I am an actual f*#k-up and I just can’t have that label stuck on to my personality. So for me, I am just making mistakes with the hopes of learning to grow and move on from said mistakes. As for you, you are a f*#k-up who continues to f*#k up and will probably continue to f*#k up for the foreseeable future.