ESPN has been airing a series of segments they call My Wish, which showcase kids having their Make-A-Wish dreams fulfilled. I’m not a fan of the segments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the idea of fulfilling the wish of a child with a life-threatening medical condition, I’m just not a fan of crying more than I usually do. I have limited tears in the day, and those have to be reserved for loneliness, not a heartwarming story.

For obvious reasons ESPN focuses on sports-related wishes. There’s the gal who wanted to do gymnastics with Gabby Douglas. The dude who was a big Michigan football fan. The kid who wanted to kick Cristiano Ronaldo in the balls for being a pompous asshole (that one’s still in pre-production I think). But the wishes out there are much more broad. They revolve around the following topics: I Wish To Be, I Wish To Give, I Wish To Go, I Wish to Have, I Wish To Meet. Just in case, I figure I’d get my wishes written down. They are:

I Wish To Be

This one’s easy. I wish to be a little bit taller, I wish to be a baller, I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her. No wait, that sounds way too familiar. To be is a weird thing to wish for. I guess it means “To be a [BLANK]” so I’ll go with to be a touring musician. That way the Make-A-Wish folks can be my management and do everything outside of playing shows (though a taller baller comes in close second).

I Wish To Give

That threw me for a loop. So not only does the person have a life-threatening medical condition, but they’re being selfless with their wish?! Damn that’s good. How am I supposed to compete with that? I mean that’s a surefire ticket into Heaven. Anyway, I guess if I’m being selfless I’d say I wish to give a small village in an underdeveloped country a lasting source of fresh water. Then hopefully they’ll rename their village after me, or like build a shrine in my name. It’s good to give.

I Wish To Go

An easy wish. I wish to go around the world. Not necessarily in 80 days. Wouldn’t mind taking my time with it.

I Wish to Have

This is another easy wish. I wish to have a lifetime supply of Maker’s Mark. What? In this scenario I have a life-threatening condition. Give a brotha a break. Let him unwind with some tasty bourbon. I’m not saying I wish to be blackout drunk all the time, just a tumbler or two at the end of a long day battling my life-threatening condition. Don’t worry, I’d combine that with the “I Wish To Give” wish and share it with the folks in the village.

I Wish To Meet

The toughest of the categories. Do I wish to meet someone who could further my wish to be a touring musician? Do I go for a supermodel/hot actress who I’d never be able to meet any other way in the hopes that she falls for me at first sight (or at least is open to bang)? There are certainly idols I’d like to meet, but the danger there is that the real person is much more of a dick than the person I idolize. At the end of the day I’ll have to go with Paul McCartney. He seem to be a pretty cool dude to hang with. He must have some incredible stories. Plus he could help me with all the other wishes. I could tour with him, around the world, while installing sources of fresh water, drinking Makers and meeting supermodels/hot actresses who’d at least be open to bang since I’m hanging with ‘ol Macca. And then we’d end our day kicking Cristiano Ronaldo in the balls for being a pompous asshole.