Have-A-One-Night-StandI have never in my life had a one-night stand.

Which is to say I have never met a girl, gone home with her, had the sex with her (or as the kids like to say, “acquired some strange”), and then left that night or the next morning, after which I completely moved on with my life and never communicated with or saw her face ever again.

This is sad.

I’ve come close a couple of times, only to find later that I had given the woman enough information to track me down, resulting in a friend request that I will always accept because a) it’s always nice to have potential repeat offenders on your potential sex partner roster, and b) you can’t really deny a Facebook friend request from someone who allowed you to both see and fondle his or her naked body. That would just be uncouth.

It’s not like I’m specifically trying to have one or anything, but I’ve never wanted to avoid it, either.

Actually, it’s something I’d like to do, this whole one-night stand thing. I feel like everyone should have the experience, if for no other reason than, if executed safely, it can help you gain an understanding that sexual intercourse doesn’t always, always, always have to have connotations of love and other romantic feelings attached to it. Sometimes people take sex a little bit too seriously (and do crazy shit like marry their first and only sexual partner), and a no-strings-attached one-night stand is a great refresher, one where you’ll be doing your Stride Of Pride the morning after, grinning from ear-to-ear and muttering to yourself that “That was really no big deal! Feels like I got the monkey off my back. I’m so gonna kill it at work this week.”

Basically, a one-night stand allows you to get the physical benefits of sex, along with some of the mental benefits like a boost in confidence and relative self-worth, but you get none of the emotional baggage that comes with prolonged contact with other people. You also stand to get a lovely addition to your spank bank, and, well, practice pleasuring another person. The more you do the sex, the better you’re going to get at it. It’s like anything.

But it’s really hard to execute a one-night stand in this day and age, mostly because it has become very difficult to disappear completely and never be found again, especially if someone is actively searching for you.

I personally can find any person I set out to locate, usually by just using Google. Occasionally, I don’t even need a full name. And sometimes I search people I don’t even know. Which mean that I am of course, without fail, going to search for someone who I have physically been inside. Technology is a serious enabler of the natural curiosity of human beings.

So what is one to do?

Put the effort in. Technology doesn’t make it more difficult to meet someone and then go home with them for a one-off sex fest. (This is the entire reason Tinder exists, I think.) But it does make it more difficult to maintain the one-night stand status afterward. You have to have a bit of self-control to refrain from looking the person up.

You should also agree with the person you are nailing, before you nail them, that you will not exchange last names, and will not try to find out more about each other online or through any mutual friends you might have. That in the morning you will shake hands, say “best of luck in your future endeavors,” and part ways into your respective ethers, never to be seen or heard from again.

Unless of course the sex is awesome and you feel some sort of connection. Then you’d be an idiot not to bring this up during post-coital bliss. Love has blossomed over much, much less.