just rearrange the letters.

I am a guy who likes to watch porn every once in a while and my neighbor has a pretty solid wireless network. That’s what I call things that go hand-in-hand.

I’m able to enjoy near-limitless streaming of all my favorite videos. Sometimes I’m so enraptured by the technology and the fact that I can watch porn until the cows come home that I end up watching vaguely shameful things until the sun rises, because I live in a city where there are no cows, and as such am unable to discern when they start their trek home.

But you know what I hate? Those pesky monthly charges that come with a subscription to one of the premium online adult film outlets. I feel guilty about renting Hook from Amazon for $2.99, so I wouldn’t say I’m in the financial position to be dropping about $30 a month so that I can watch other people do the deed.

So what do I do?

I join a site, download as many videos as possible, and cancel my subscription before the automatically recurring monthly charge takes its first swipe at my credit (which is pretty good, despite everything I’ve admitted above). This is pretty easy and smart for a perpetually single, fiscally conservative dude, despite one of the hashtags on Lulu (the first app for women, by women) being #questionablesearchhistory.

Married dudes, you can get on board with this course of action — and the philosophy behind it — as well.  In fact, you men bound legally to monogamy likely have more need for pornography than the rest of us, and yet have a more vitally vested interest in keeping your smut consumption a secret from your significant other.

Think about it: your very life as you know it could crumble at its foundation if your wife grows suspicious when, checking the joint credit card statement, identifies a $29.95 charge to some company called epoch (or whatever), and realizes it’s too high to be the Netflix and HuluPlus charges combined. Then she visits epoch.com, starts a live chat with a customer service professional, and spitefully types that yes, she sure she would like to cancel any and all pornography subscriptions despite the fact that she can retain access to both sites for the price of one, offered at a discount price exclusive to the Platinum Frequent Purchasers Club.

See you’ve got to cancel in a timely fashion. You’re risking enough already allowing it to appear on the statement once (but it’s part of the fun, right — that you might get caught??). You briefly consider acquiring your own private credit card for pornography, chicken wing, and beer-related expenditures, but you know this would be a fool’s errand. She would find out sooner rather than later because she always gets the mail and you had never been great at setting your accounts up for paperless billing.

But you also can’t just cancel your membership and quit the pornography altogether, either, can you? You know what happens when you do that. A few days later you’re on some other site, subscribing and hoping this one is managed by ebill, and not epoch. (Why are those the only two companies that represent these sites? You make a note to look into starting a new one to give them competition if you ever get caught and your wife is so upset that she divorces you and you are left with nothing tangible to lose.) During times like these, you may take extreme measures in attempt to dissuade yourself from wanting to look at porn. We digress, but what is porn but one big digression?

It’s a vicious circle, and download you must. And you must keep those files safe and out of the way of prying eyes.

It is for you that I composed this list. This list of names you can bestow on folders that hide your lurid videos and pictures and Animorphs erotic fan fiction, so that your wife will never even be tempted to open them.

(Note: Make sure you remember to rename the files you keep within the folder, as well. If she is so suspicious that she clicks twice, then you have not been covering your tracks correctly. Consistency and vigilance are the keys here, gentlemen.)

(Note 2: This is why I am single.)

  • KillerMETALguitarRIFFS
  • Cars w/ engines outside hood
  • My Birthday Wishlist
  • FishingPix
  • Steak+Blowjob Day Countdown App
  • Hardy Boys Riding Harleys_PhotoShop stuff
  • Magic: The Gathering Decks_Type 2 + Extended
  • Wallpaper Folder 1_Clint Eastwood Holding Gun + Smoking Cigarette
  • Directions to Lawnmower Hall of Fame, Effington Illinois
  • Wallpaper Folder 2_Rusty PBR Cans in Abandoned Steel Mills
  • James Deen Video Resume_Boring Work Stuff
  • How to Conduct a Professional Interview_Anastasia Ashley Business Program_Boring Twerk Stuff
  • Knicks vs. Raptors 2004 Pre-Season + X-Files Season 8, Episode 4
  • Fantasy Football Team Name Research
  • Pix of BOATZ to buy if Marie kicks the bucket before you do
  • Tucker Max Complete Fratire Collection
  • Roadhouse full shooting script
  • Point Break sound board
  • Gus Johnson flipping out_Sports Broadcaster Faves_Compilation
  • Wallpaper Folder 3_Dudes building stuff
  • Home Improvement_Wilson Monologues_Best of
  • How to airbrush Che Guevara’s face onto a T-shirt
  • Knight Rider Season 2_Box Set Rip
  • Now That’s What I Call Music_Vols. 1-3,648
  • Roger throwing up after shotgunning PIX
  • Wallpaper Folder 4_Frank Sinatra drinking alcohol
  • Wearing Ed Hardy: A Defense in 18 Chapters
  • Real Men of Genius Beer Commercials_fullseriesdirectorscut
  • Saw 36 w/ Patrick Warburton on shrooms commentary
  • openthisfileandpinterestwillcrashforever
  • Tom Clancy Omnibus + Fan Fic
  • Andrew WK Twitter party tips collection_COMPLETE_Updated October 21, 2013
  • Vin Diesel filmography
  • guns
  • Wallpaper Folder 5_Bruce Willis w/ Yippe Kay Yay Motherfucker conversation balloons_PhotoShop stuff
  • Del Amirtri Instrumental tracks_Karaoke Practice
  • Forrest Gump Running Train_Photoshop Stuff
  • Matching leather jackets for Junior and me
  • Movember Rulebook

Happy porning and Happy Black Friday. There are a lot of hours to kill while your wife stands in line at Best Buy to buy your kid a present.