If the loss of the majority of my beard hair is any indication, summer is officially upon us. This means stifling heat (leading to less facial hair), short shorts (I’ve got my Daisy Dukes frayed just right!), and cookouts. But wait, there’s more! The New York summer heralds in a time that most New Yorkers relish. Maybe even mustard. But they sure ‘aint gonna cat sup (say those last three sentences in your head using an old-timey radio voice. You’re welcome).

What was I talking about? Ah yes, there’s more! In New York the summer coincides with an explosion of events. There are concerts in the park. Outdoor movie screenings. Entire music festivals. Street fests. Block parties. Dance parties. Pity parties (actually, those mostly happen in my room and are year-round). With such a staggering list of things to do (at least 6 in this article alone!), there’s really only one way to sort through the BS and make sure you have an officially sanctioned “Fun-Filled Summer”… and that’s the bucket list.

I’m not sure where the term “Bucket List” comes from. And I’m too lazy to look it up (I’m in my post-pizza “resting phase” where my blood sugar drops and all my functions slow to a crawl). Pretty sure it’s some sort of metaphor, but I bought a bucket a while back just in case. I think it’s a stupid term and a stupider thing to have. The whole point of life is to experience it. Yeah, I get it, one of your burning goals is to pee off of a famous structure like the Empire State Building or the Great Pyramid. Who doesn’t dream of doing that? But don’t write a list of the things you want to pee off of. Just chug some water, travel to that place, and make that whizz happen (you probably don’t want to do it that order FYI).

That being said, I do enjoy writing lists, so here’s my bucket list for epic summerpocalypse 2k14:

• Avoid openly staring at the super-hot women that come out of hibernation

• Build up the courage to smile at one of these super-hot women

• Be able to scurry away from super-hot women when they deem my smile “creepy” and bust out pepper spray

• Bask in the icy blast of my AC

• Make it to the curb at the very moment the ice cream truck comes around so that I’m not outside for more than 5 minutes, but still get my Spiderman and/or TMNT popsicle

• Survive the subway

• Find the part of the subway car where the AC vents are. Stand under them to survive

• Watch some movies. Mostly indoors. Near the icy blast of my AC

• Have a pool party by filling my bath with cool water

• Smell great during my pool party by filling my bath with Cool Water

• Get my friends to agree to have brunch before noon so that we’re done before it gets hot

• Have breakfast by myself on the weekends

• Test out various technologies available to keep me cool (folded piece of paper, cool wrap, fan hat)

• Store my underwear in the freezer for a refreshing morning

• Remember to dry off with extra care before putting on freezer-underwear

• Do my part in supporting the sunscreen industry (they see a 3% bump from me alone on sunny days)

• Get my friends to tell me about all the awesome stuff they went to in great detail so it’ll “feel like I was there”

• Get laid

Please note that last one does not apply only to my summer bucket list. It’s perpetually on any list I write (ladies). So there you have it. The comprehensive list for a fun-filled summer in the Big Apple. What? You say that those are all lame and I didn’t even mention a single thing that ends in fest? Well how about the bi**hfest you’re throwing right now? Does that count? These are officially-sanctioned events if you want a “Fun-Filled Summer”! If you want a hot and sweat-filled summer sure, well, then I hope you made it to Governors Ball. Now if you’ll excuse me, my pallet full of Cool Water just arrived. Let the fun begin!