man in desert drinking waterI’ve always been a fan of the grand romantic gesture. Sometimes I’ll find myself thinking about things I could do for a certain woman I’m in like with that would assure her that I could be a suitable and dedicated partner.

And one-hit-wonder band The Proclaimers have set the bar pretty high. They’re responsible, of course, for the song “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” where they pledge a number of things to an unknown woman, climaxing with the assertion that they would walk 500 miles, and that then they would walk 500 more. Just so that they could be the man or men who walked a thousand miles to fall at some broad’s door.

Here are some things I would do if I were your man.

I would…

1. Listen to Nickelback songs for the entirety of a road trip.
2. Take you out dancing and participate in said dancing, without being a whiny little bitch about it.
3. Walk up to Kanye West and tell him to his face that he’s overrated and that his wife has no discernible talent that should amount to the level of fame she enjoys.
4. Hang out for hours at a time with your mom and/or dad when you are not around to serve as an awkwardness buffer.
5. Spend a significant amount of time hanging out with Justin Bieber.
6. Go to a church service, stay for the entirety of it, and even pretend to sing along with the hymns.
7. Eat a whole f**kload of lima beans and not complain about doing so at all.
8. Fight another human being, especially if it happened to be a male, and said male had attacked your honor.
9. Try to complete the cinnamon challenge at least five times.
10. Ditto the gallon milk chug challenge.
11. Read everything Ann Coulter has ever written, and then watch every interview that has ever aired.
12. Watch a few episodes of Nancy Grace without screaming profanities or throwing anything hard at the television set.
13. Go to sleep at night in complete silence without a fan or a white noise machine lulling me into a deep and peaceful slumber.
14. Run 26 miles in one day, without stopping, after training to have done so for the previous six or so months. Will also wear a T-shirt professing my infinite love and adoration for you. (Sidebar: The Proclaimers never put a time expectation on their thousand-mile journey. What if they’re doing the walk over their entire lifetime? That’s not even impressive at all.)
15. Watch the film “Fly Away Home” while learning to knit.
16. Watch “Orange Is The New Black” with you and keep my mouth shut about how the second season is kind of garbage.
17. Wake up before 10 a.m. on a Saturday or Sunday because there is something you want to do that I would have used to call lame and absolutely not worth it.
18. Never sigh in exasperation when you say that we “need to talk.”
19. Stop writing missed connections for women I see on the subway during my daily commute.
20. Take my socks off before every sexual escapade we embark on.
21. Quit watching porn. For good. Like, even when you aren’t around.
22. Raise a cat with you.
23. Stop drinking for a while, just to prove to you that you are more important to me than scotch.
24. Dress up like whatever you want me to for Halloween this year, no questions asked. If it’s a pop culture figure, I will memorize information about said figure, and learn to do a lackluster impression of him or her.
25. Always make a big deal out of your birthday.
26. Always make a big deal out of a number of our anniversaries, like the day we met, the day I asked you to be my girlfriend, the day we let the Facebook world know we were an item, etc.
27. Buy you an extremely, ridiculously overpriced ring with at least one diamond mounted on it, even though I know this materialistic item is a stupid way to express my love for you.
28. Marry you.
29. Stop drinking completely while you are pregnant with our child.
30. Not argue TOO MUCH when you claim that “we” aren’t pregnant, but “you” are pregnant, and to listen patiently when you say whacky things about your vagina being shredded or whatever.