Did you know that you can petition the Government of the United States for whatever your little heart desires, and that if you can get 25,000 signatures John Hancocked to your petition within 30 days, somebody from the White House will issue a response to said petition? All you have to do is post your petition to We The People and then start publicizing it in hopes people will be into your idea enough to log on and digitally sign. I suppose it’s the government’s way of trying to maintain the illusion that we have any say in the shit that goes on in this country, politically speaking, beyond, you know, voting and then footing the bill for all of people who get elected.

I think one of the highlights of my life would be to pen a petition that garnered a response from one of Barack Obama’s paper bitches. So I’ve been thinking of a few I believe might gain some backing. Here are the premises:

• Make October 3^rd National Mean Girls Day.
• Force Lindsay Lohan to spend one day every month shadowing a person who went to jail for the same countless legal infractions she’s committed while avoiding meaningful jail time.
• Make it illegal to use the word “literally” unless you are literally using it in the way it is meant to be used. (Rob Lowe is exempt from this law.)
• Remove “One nation, under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. Replace it with “One nation, under the Noble Hustle.” Every time someone is outed for protesting this change, make it a law that they have to listen to Joan Osborne’s “What If God Was One Of Us?” a dozen consecutive times.
• Enact a forced media blackout on Kim Kardashian.
• Enact a law where when cyber bullies are caught, they are publicly shamed IN REAL LIFE, and the people they tormented are allowed to give them a titty twister or other punishment of equal or lesser pain.
• During Cosmos on Fox, grant equal time to creationism, but also grant equal time during religious services to discussion about the concept of evolution and The Big Bang.
• Give rappers tax breaks for writing songs about doing legal things that have nothing to do with banging women.
• Enact the separation of church and state. For real this time, though.
• Make it law that when somebody justifies an action or statement by using the words “feminist” or “feminism,” they must explain to the group what they believe feminism means.
• Tar and feather George Zimmerman.
• Ban Sarah McLachlan from talking to me about pets that need to be adopted.
• Strip First Amendment rights from all Westboro Baptist Church members and/or sympathizers. We could even keep them quiet by making them put a dick in their mouth!
• No answering work emails after 8 PM.
• Abolish alimony, but keep child support.
• Stop spending billions on research and trips to other planets, and instead use those taxpayer funds to help kids to go to college or pay off pre-existing student loans, or to somehow make the planet we inhabit a better place.
• Enact a system with Mexico where we trade well-meaning and upstanding people who would like to emigrate with convicted American drug dealers who would compete with the cartels below the border.
• Provide educational grants to recent high school graduates who pledge to work menial jobs for four years while they decide what they really want to do with their lives, at which time they will attend university.
• Pay teachers on their educational performance, not on how long they’ve been at the school or what sports they coach.
• Enact a law where people must apply for and justify why they are qualified for social security at age 65.
• Enact a law where instead of children robotically repeating the Pledge of Allegiance every school day, they rotate day-by-day, having a student read a different poem or very short story he or she has chosen to share with the class.
• Make gay marriage legal everywhere in the country. In fact, abolish the terms “gay marriage” and “interracial marriage,” on account of the fact that all men and women are created equal, and marriage is marriage.