For those of you who lay away at night, unable to sleep because you feel you are missing out on the health benefits by not getting an enema, I hope this bit of news makes you rest easy. You can lose sleep over many things – to get an enema or not to get one shouldn’t cause you insomnia.

There is one really big, yet really simple reason why you do not need to cleanse your colon. IT IS A SELF-CLEANING STRUCTURE. If you are a relatively healthy individual, your intestines already have a fine way of getting rid of waste from you body. They don’t need your help. Let your intestines “do them.” They have specific game plan to follow and they don’t need you mucking it all up by getting your colon flushed with warm cranberry juice.

But don’t take my word for it. Take The Mayo Clinic’s opinion on enemas: “Unless you have a medical condition and your doctor recommends it, stay away from a colon cleansing.” When the medical industry is telling you to stay away from something instead of fleecing you for a procedure you don’t really need, you know they are telling the truth. Trust me, if doctors felt they could make some extra ducats out of spraying water up your rear they would. The fact that they don’t, says all you need to know about enemas.

Sure, you could go to one of these colon cleansing places with names like “Soothing Solutions” or “Nature’s Course” or “Flushing Waters” and you could pay good money to get done what your body already does. (The people there will tell you that enemas are “a natural way of ridding your body of waste.” You know what else is? Pooping.) Will the after effects of getting your colon cleansed professionally make you feel good? Possibly. Will you feel lighter? Probably. Will there be actual health benefits? Not so much. Here’s why:

When you flush out your carburetor like that, you are getting rid of bacteria in your intestines. Now, before you say, “Cool, I have always dreamed of being bacteria-free,” hang on a second. These are good bacteria. They break down what’s in your body so you can expel it. You need these bacteria. Getting them out of your system is counterintuitive to the reason why they are in your body in the first place. So leave them the alone.

Plus, having enemas on a regular basis can prevent the muscles of the colon from doing their job properly. All muscles need working out and those of the colon are no exception. Do you really want to walk around with weak poop muscles? Hell no. You want those bad boys yoked and shredded (remember, beach season is coming soon and you’ll want to show them off) and only using those muscles in the way they are intended to will give you that.

Some people claim that enemas are a great and fast way to lose weight. And sure, that is true…until you eat food again. Then you are back at square one. So what are you going to do? Get an enema every time you have a big meal? Who has the time, money and, most importantly, the mental fortitude to go through that procedure on a regular basis?

So go ahead and say no to the whole enema thing. Say it with confidence. And, in case you were still curious, there is absolutely no scientific evidence that supports the need for a coffee enema. It does not detoxify your bowel, liver or gallbladder. It’s not a magic liquid. It’s a cup of Joe. So save your Starbucks Gift Card for a pound of Sumatra that you can actually drink.