As 3LW so eloquently stated, “Haters gonna hate.” So what’s a baller gonna do when the hater hates? I mean clearly a baller’s gonna ball (per the aforementioned reference), but does ballin’ really and truly silence the haters? Clearly there’s a more effective way to deal with haters than simply playing more basketball (that’s what ballin’ means, right? I’m really super pasty-white, so I don’t know such lingo). 

At the core of the hater is a desire to provoke. This is the fuel that fires a hater. Oftentimes it’s called haterade, but I’d advise against calling it that as Gatorade owns every iteration of a word combined with ‘ade,’ just in case they want to branch out their business. But generally speaking haters will say things to you that will call out your imperfections, weaknesses, or just a unique characteristic about yourself. The ultimate goal of a hater is unclear, but at the very least they want to make you feel bad.

There really is only one way to combat this. OK, so technically there are infinite ways you can combat hatin,’ but there’s really only one way that’s both non-violent and 100% effective.  Yeah, I know, bold statement, right? But by the end of the article I’m sure you’ll agree with me. Or you’ll be a hater, and I’ll know how to effectively deal with you. 

When you’re in a hatin’ situation, you only need to heed this advice – agree to everything. “Hold on now, Patrick,” you may be saying, “my skin isn’t actually so white I blind people when I lift my shirt up.” Of course not, my dear fellow porcelain-skinned friend. The point is not that you’re agreeing with the hater because you think these things they’re saying are true. You’re agreeing because agreement ends an argument. 

There’s literally nowhere the hater can go if you agree. There may be some perplexity on the part of the hater. Some clarification to ensure that you actually understood what he was saying about your mom. But ultimately there’s no place that the hater can take the hatin.’ I mean, simply saying mean things and having that person agree with everything kinda takes the wind out of saying the mean things in the first place.

You’re essentially removing the power from the hater. If their fuel is provocation, not being provoked is an immediate fire extinguisher. Plus agreeing with the haters has some added benefits.

The first is that it forces you to be comfortable with your imperfections. Look, some of the things haters say are hyperbolic, but they’re rooted in truth. I can be socially awkward and I’m not the most suave individual, but I’m aware of it. And I’m OK with it. So calling me out on it bothers me about as much as calling me out on the fact that I use lungs to breathe.

The second benefit with agreeing to all the hatin’ that’s coming your way is that you learn to not take things so seriously. There are enough difficulties in life without having to defend the honor of your name. Oh no, you said something slanderous about my mom. I know my mom. She’s awesome. A lot of people know that she’s awesome. She’s never going to hear what you said, let alone care ’cause everyone and their mother (who knows mine) knows it’s not true.  So spout your ridiculous talk, hater, ‘cause no one cares.

Now, obviously there’s a limit to being agreeable to a hater. If things take a turn to pure hatred, any sort of acknowledgement will fan the flames. There’s a very real difference between hate and hatin,’ in that one is puffed-up bravado and the other is sincere irrational thought. What’s best in that situation is to ignore that person completely. Do not even acknowledge their existence. 

So the next time a hater comes around and starts cramping your style, just throw a “Yes” or “You’re absolutely right” their way and watch them flounder. Then hand them a bottle of sports drink and say “Here, take this, since I know you’re all out of haterade.” Then drop the mic you carry around with you at all times and walk slowly away.