fantasy football

By the good grace of dear, sweet Ditka’s mustache, football season is finally here. Which means that fantasy football season is finally here. Which means that I can finally forget about trying to track all those goddamn games and stats for fantasy baseball and focus on the real man’s fantasy sport. Actually that’s a lie. I know squat about fantasy baseball, and I only have a passing knowledge of fantasy football.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love football. Though I’m not sure why. I’m decidedly passive in almost everything I do (even my aggressiveness, but I guess you were too busy to notice that… whatever). I think what I enjoy is the strategy that goes behind the freakishly athletic abilities. There was a moment, probably after I actually played football on a team (JV third-string CB right here!) that the strategy behind the game clicked. They’re not just running into each other, they’re actually running into each other in specific patterns!

So, since I love football, it only makes sense for me to play fantasy football. And I have fun playing it. It’s just that I’m what people tend to call a “casual leaguer.” Oh wait, no one says that? Really, not anyone? Well hot damn, I’mma coin the shit outta that phrase. Henceforth, a casual leaguer is someone who’s in a league (of fantasy sports or extraordinary gentleman), but isn’t hardcore into following/playing/being a secret agent. Sure, they enjoy the trash talking of friends. And yes, they do their diligence to set their lineups every week and never have an empty spot because of a bye week (I mean this isn’t amateur hour here). But the causal leaguer also doesn’t get all that bent out of shape when they inevitably lose. Or worry about trades. Or follow all the breaking stories to figure out who will be the hot free agent pickup to win the matchup of the week. Hell, oftentimes they’ll auto draft ‘cause it’s just easier to do so.

That’s where I’m at. This presents one (and only one) problem. Which is that even a casual leaguer knows the most important thing when playing fantasy anything is the team name. A good team name is the stuff of legends among fantasy sports leagues. If you’re the guy or gal that came up with the killer team name in your league, you’re immediately hated and revered for your accomplishment. What’s more, when your team name is on point, you can invariable get by with a ho-hum team and season. Every time one of your friends beats you, it’ll be an empty victory because they’ll never be able to beat the awesomeness of your name. Sidebar – please don’t be that into fantasy football that you in a rando league with strangers. You have better things to do with your life.

So in the spirit of my fellow casual leaguers, I have compiled a roadmap for finding a killer team name, to be spoken of for years to come.

Start with your favorite team in that sport. But be sure to invoke some cunning wordplay, lest you fall in the doldrums of names. For example, instead of SeahawkFan63, go with Hawk A Loogie (this would work if you’re a Packers fan as well). In fact, there’s a global rule that wordplay will always enhance your team name. Same goes with incorporating some sort of bodily function. Incorporating a player’s name follows this formula too.

Slightly more obscure would be the movie reference. The beauty of the movie reference is that it is, for the most part, timeless. Just make sure your league-mates get the reference.

That you’d go with something that’s insulting to one of your league-mates is almost a given. It’s a great idea, but since it’s expected it has to be extra good.

At the end of the day, my suggestion is to start with something either obscure and/or bodily function related, then reverse engineer the name to figure out how you can tie in something that’s football-related. Could be something about the game itself. Or a team name. Or a player name. Here are some examples:

  • Knute Rockey’s Foreskin

  • Mox’s Locks

  • The Annexation of Puerto Rico (OR Fumblerooskie)

  • Playin it McCoy

  • Suh-mmatime sadness

  • Fart and Nine. GO FOR IT

  • Howie Long’s Flat Top

  • Manziel’s Panty Brigade

  • Foles-on Prison Blues

  • Riggins rigs

  • A Game of Jones

  • Wham Bam Thank You Cam

  • Fortedo, Fortado

  • Herm’s Stutter

  • I Liked Peyton Better When He Was Chelsea

  • Belichik’s Torn Up Hoodie

  • Philip RiversWHATAREYOUTALKINGABOUTHEWASINBOUNDS

  • Squinty McGruden

  • Catch It Again, Sammy

  • Pout for Pout, Eli’s The Best

  • You Want Somma Brees Nutz?

  • Shart Rooney

  • Luck Be A Lady Tonight…WAIT, WHAT?

  • Hyde your Lunch

  • Henne Given Sunday