The Ebola scare related to the recent outbreak is reaching fever pitch (HA!). While I don’t mean to make light of the severity of the virus, there’s a difference between being informed about what’s going on and having a cover page with the broken English headline of “EBOLA HERE!” in all caps (lookin’ at you NY Post). Yes, Ebola is a deadly disease. But there’s a reason that we have this center that was created for controlling diseases. So assuming we don’t have Donald Sutherland at the helm of the CDC trying to turn Ebola into a biological weapon (only to be thwarted by Dustin Hoffman, of course), methinks we’ll be OK. To put some perspective on this outbreak, here’s a list of 10 things that actually warrant the fear given to Ebola:
- People talking about Ebola
I realize I’m calling myself out by including this, but Jesus Henry Christ (that was his middle name, right?), the amount of people talking about this thing is truly frightening. Especially given the fact that they’re not talking about the people who are actually being affected by it, i.e. the people in West Africa who are literally having to deal with Ebola as part of their daily lives.
- Reality TV
There are hundreds of reality TV shows out there. And none of them are even remotely real. The fact that Honey Boo Boo’s mom possibly dating a sex offender making a Google News feed is absolutely horrifying. The fact that I can turn on the TV and the majority of it is “reality” is just wrong.
- U2 can put an album on your phone without asking.
Is there no God? Look, U2 was a decent band somewhere back in the day. No denying that. Hell, if you still think they’re awesome, then good for you. But in what world is it OK that a band can push it’s album out to millions of people completely unsolicited? Apparently the answer is this world. I’ve never been happier to be on an Android phone.
- Ouija was the #1 movie at the box office.
Did you know Ouija was still a thing? Do you even know what Ouija is? I think I played it once when I was like 10, and even then it was lame. I mean I suppose that since we made a Battleship movie, it was just a matter of time until Ouija came out, but that it actually took the box office on its opening weekend… that should give you the heeby-jeebies more than that movie ever could.
- Ordering the wrong thing off of Seamless
Granted, this can happen if you’re using GrubHub or Delivery.com or any other number of online delivery spots. The point is, if you accidentally tap the wrong item ‘cause you may or may not be hammered drunk, and then you blast through the checkout process, you have 30-35 minutes to sit and think about how what you’re getting is not, in fact, nachos, but something completely and disgustingly different. It’s the not knowing that makes this one so scary.
- Vocal vegans
If you’re a vegan, good for you. Seriously, I have no problem with anyone’s dietary choices. But don’t try to convert me to your ways, and certainly don’t jump on your animal-free soap box and share your thoughts on the matter to the world. As soon as you see/hear a vocal vegan, you just know your next hour is going to be ruined.
- The Steelers’ throwback uniforms
The NFL likes using throwback uniforms. Sure, why not. But the Steelers’ throwback uniforms, already stuff of internet lore, are completely horrendous. What’s really scary though, is that someone, probably with a lot of power in the Steelers organization, gave the OK to have their players play in those uniforms. If they think that’s a good decision, what else may they be allowing?
- Someday kids will think that Ghostbusters is a movie from 2016.
I hope that this day never happens. But with Paul Feig writing a complete reboot, there’s a possibility that some time in the future there will be a generation that only knows Ghostbusters by the reboot (there’s plenty of evidence of that happening now). I just hope that by that time I’ll be long dead and gone.
- Dumb and Dumber To is probably going to be the funniest movie of the year.
Don’t get me wrong. I am super stoked for the new Dumb and Dumber movie. It looks to be a return to form to all the terrible jokes paired with good writing that made the first one so incredible (yes, I called Dumb and Dumber an incredible movie). But there probably isn’t going to be another movie even remotely as funny and worth watching as this one. You’re probably thinking that this is surely wrong, that there must be or have been some movie this year that was at least somewhat as funny as this movie surely will be. Well, to answer your question, Blended and Tammy both came out this year.
- Getting to a bar right as happy hour ends
With all this fear-mongering going on, we all could use a stiff drink. Bonus points if that drink is under happy hour prices. Then when you get stuck just slightly late at work, and in spite of your best efforts, you don’t make it to the bar until 7:01, and the bartender refuses to give you happy hour prices. Give me Ebola and kill me dead now, for I don’t want to see that day.