Dear follicly challenged men,
I know you’ve seen them around — all those articles talking up the virtues of a hairy chest. Buzzfeed did a very popular one discussing just how physically pleasing it is for a man to have a hirsute body. It got over two million views and shared around the internet to a chorus of “Amen!”s. There are Instagram feeds devoted to men with hairy chests, and then of course there are the cool, hip kids who are out there flaunting their hairbilities with overgrown beards, ornamental mustaches, and low-hanging t-shirts that show off alarmingly impressive sprouts that you weren’t even aware 22-year-olds could form. It’s enough to give you a body image crisis of the most Harry and the Hendersons kind, but take heart oh smooth-chested men. On behalf of women and gay men, let me put your fears to rest: we don’t really mind.
Oh sure, many of us would personally prefer a bit of hair to tug on pre, during, and post-coitus, but if somebody is using a man’s ability to grow chest hair as a sign of either masculinity or virility (or both) then it just proves they don’t know much about how the human body works. I’m sure you’d love a bit of a rug to have poking out of the top of your shirt to tell the world that you are a man while also alluding to the goodies underneath, but there are just as many people attracted to a smooth chest as there are those who aren’t. There wouldn’t be a multi-billion dollar* industry based around men’s grooming if there weren’t. Hell, we wouldn’t have to even have this conversation if there weren’t people out there picking up the shaving cream and razor to look like you. How’s that for a compliment?! Those metrosexual years were difficult for everybody, especially you guys who everybody was attempting to emulate. Now that they’re all growing their hair back in, it’s your time to capitalize on fans of the bare over bear.
Besides, there are benefits to not having hair on there, you know. For starters you avoid the chances of getting drunk and “hilariously” shaving an incredibly douchy superhero logo into your thicket. Just Google “batman chest hair” for a world of horror. And furthermore, men with hair on their chests typically have to deal with hair on other parts that are far less sexy. Do you want hair on your chest that badly that you also want to deal with it on your back, neck, shoulders and biceps? And, let’s face it, by not having chest hair you are sending any hair-friendly eyes to an altogether more vital point on your body.
So, yes, many will say they prefer a man with a hairy chest, but a person seeking anything more long-term than a one-night stand won’t be measuring your compatibility based on whether your nipples come firmly entrenched in a batch of short and curlies. And if a quick and easy romp in the bedsheets is all you’re after, there are more than enough people who will prefer your sleek look. The careers of half of Hollywood depend on it!
Of course, this is all for men who are naturally hairless. If you’re having buyers remorse after shaving, waxing or lazer-ing, then you have nobody to blame but yourself.
* A completely made up figure, but it makes sense. Those razors ain’t cheap!