Feeling a little down about yourself? Having some troubles with your self-confidence these days? Need an emotional boost to prevent you from driving your Ford Taurus off a bridge?

Drink cucumber water. It will make you feel special.

Why not drink plain, ordinary water? Sure, plain H₂O may hydrate you, but you need more than hydration from your water, don’t you? You need your water to provide you with self-esteem, self-worth and self-acceptance. You need your water to take all the bad thoughts away. Cucumber water does that for you. You’re welcome.

Of course, a big part of the specialness that comes with cucumber water is the taste. It is tastier than water with lime, way tastier than water with lemon and kicks the ever-loving crap out of water with orange. But it’s more than just the flavor. There is something about cucumber in water that makes you feel good. It makes you feel important. It makes you feel like you matter in this world.

Cucumber in water represents everything good in life. It is cool, silky and inviting. It’s nice to look at and goes down smooth. It classes up a joint and goes with everything.

Basically, it is everything that you aspire to be.

There is an amazing calming effect that cucumber water brings to you. One small sip of a tall glass of cucumber water and you are at peace. You are centered.  For that one moment you don’t want to put your fist through a wall or shout out to the world, “All of you suck/you’re doing it wrong!” It makes you feel that no matter what is going on in your craptastic life, everything will be okay. That’s the magic of cucumber in water.

Luckily, that rare breed of H₂O spiked with cucumbis sativus is everywhere these days (everywhere that matters, that is). It’s not just for day spas in Los Angeles, California where it is city, county AND state law that every spa must offer complimentary cucumber water along with their New Age music and patchouli-scented candles. Now you can get cucumber water at hotel restaurants, brunch joints, organic sandwich shops and even at high-end ice cream stores. And if you haven’t sipped some cucumber water after a bite of Riesling Roasted Pear Sorbet then, frankly, you haven’t lived.

And adding cucumber to your water at home can make you feel special on a regular basis, not to mention how much it will impress your friends. Have a dinner party, place a pitcher of cucumbered water on the dining table and watch your friends’ eyes go wide as they sip from the luxurious liquid. “Cucumber water,” you casually toss off. “I drink it all the time.” Your friends might not say anything, but just know from their smiles that in their heads they are thinking, “Bravo, Sir. Bravo.”

By enjoying water with cucumber you are showing that you are better than everyone else who doesn’t. And isn’t that the fastest and easiest way to feel special? By feeling superior to others? You are partaking in something different that not everyone does on a day-to-day basis.  The drinking of cucumber water makes you superior to the majority. You are on a different and higher level than everyone else. So, go ahead. Drink cucumber water* and feel special!

[*Brought to you by the Cucumber Council To Sell More Cucumber.]