Energy drinks are the most ridiculous beverages. Just drinking one of them automatically suggests you are weak. Because you are essentially telling everyone, Life is too hard for me. I just can’t make it through a day without feeling sleepy. So, because I need help, I’ve decided to drink two or three cans of a fruity, carbonated beverage every day.  In times of war men would stay awake in order to stay alive, without the aid of taurine. So come on, is your 9-5 life so tiring that you need to drink a 20 oz. Monster just so you can function as a normal human being?

Now, I’m not saying that these energy drinks don’t work. They do, sometimes all to0 well. Drinking just one might cause you to tweak like a meth head. So there is truth to the advertising of energy drinks. I’m not arguing their effectiveness. I’m arguing that drinking them all the time makes you an addict. And if you’re going to be addicted to something, you might as well be addicted to something cool…like Peanut Butter M&Ms or reruns of “Saved By The Bell.”

The worst, the absolute worst, is seeing some someone drinking an energy drink with their food. Why are you drinking a can of Crunk Citrus with your linguini and clam sauce? First of all, by drinking it, you are completely ruining the taste of your food. You might as well coat your mouth with Vaseline before you eat. Secondly, do you really need an energy drink with your lunch or dinner? Is the process of consuming and digesting your food so exhausting that you need extra help by drinking a Full Throttle?

Another issue with energy drinks are the names. These companies try so hard to be “cutting edge” and “in your face” with their brands – “Amp,” “Rage,” “Wired,” “Edge,” “Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt” (okay, this one sounds cool and I would drink it regularly out of sheer admiration for Mr. Seagal’s work in Above the Law). I get it. Your beverage is hardcore. Good for you. Why not tell the truth and call your energy drink, “Crappy Tasting Beverage That If You Drink Too Much Of Will Cause Your Head And Heart To Explode.”

Because here’s the thing: being tired is a part of life. It’s called being an adult. Life only gets harder as you get older, and no amount of Red Bull is going to make it any better. And the last thing you want is to be in your late thirties, running around all jacked up on Vamp NRG. That’s just sad.

So the next time you find that living on this planet is too taxing for you, do what real men and women do: drink black coffee.