Of course, this is a little unfair, as by definition all mustard rules. (With the exception of the very recent introduction of lavender mustard, which is awful and a complete travesty. To those fans of lavender mustard who think that is a little harsh then I must apologize: You too are awful and also a complete travesty as well.) But yellow mustard holds a special place in my heart. It was my first condiment. And you never forget your first condiment. First loves come and go – sandwich spreads are forever.
Come on, who didn’t have a big ass jar of French’s Yellow in their refrigerator growing up? We all did and we all ate the hell out of it. I used to stand in front of the open fridge, take a slice of bologna, roll it up and dunk it in the jar for a snack. I did this for years until my brother caught me and punched me in the side of the neck. The pain went away, the bologna definitely went away, but the yummy, yellow mustard remained.
Plus it’s just so damn yellow and yellow is the color of happiness. (Suck on that, fuchsia.) It’s hard to even find that yellow of a color in nature. Any color that high octane is fun to eat, whether you are a kid or not.
And yeah, there are certain things that brown mustard can do that yellow can’t. Cooking with brown mustard, basting with brown mustard, making sauces and dressings with brown mustard obviously works better. You don’t really want to do that with your standard yellow. But some yellow on a giant, meat-filled sandwich? Some yellow on a spicy sausage? Hell’s yeah that’s good eats! Yellow mustard has a nice vinegary tang to it that is crucial to many a dish. There are times when you just need it. There are times when brown mustard just won’t do. In a mustard fight to the death, yellow can hold its own. In fact, it is safe to say that yellow mustard definitely…wait for it…here it comes…
“cuts the mustard.”
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
And I get it. It’s fun to be snobby about certain food items. It’s enjoyable to look down on something you ate as a kid as some sort of stupid little fling, like your taste buds didn’t know any better – the mere existence of Fun Dip proves that. But yellow mustard deserves no such scorn. It deserves no such derision. You weren’t too cool for yellow mustard then and you ain’t too cool for it now.
Do I like yellow mustard better than brown? No. I am most definitely down with the brown. I’m not here to argue about the pros and cons of brown versus yellow mustard. I came here to stand up for the spread of my youth. Enjoying yellow mustard does not mean you are any less of a person – such a statement applies to those of you who enjoy dijionaise, an abomination of a condiment that even the creatures on the Island of Doctor Moreau would ostracize. Yellow mustard is more than just fine. It’s more than just okay. It needs to be given its mad props. It needs to be given its shout outs. It needs to be blurred out of rap videos.
So go ahead and wear that badge of yellow mustard proudly. Chances are that if you are enjoying the yellow on a regular basis, it’s probably already on your shirt. (Seriously, that stuff stains like a you would not believe.)