instagram

  1. Post pictures from an awesome event you went to, and apologize in your captions for not posting a more comprehensive collection of photos from said event, because you were “living life, and not Instagramming.”
  2. Ensure that every five pictures or so, you are flicking off the camera, because nothing shows that you are a badass better than tossing the bird at anyone who will look at your profile.
  3. Ditto flashing the peace sign. There’s no better way to show the world that you’re interested in peaceful existence than to post a photo of yourself in a bikini, looking away from the camera, and nonchalantly chucking the deuces.
  4. Inundate your followers with a daily selfie, despite the fact that not much has changed about your appearance other than your decision to wear a different outfit on a daily basis. Then post 18 in a row on the same day when you get a new hair color or whatever.
  5. Always remember that captions are to be used for one paramount purpose and one only: humble-bragging.
  6. Take plenty of pictures of the food you are eating, but only when it is to show others that you are on a serious diet. Nothing gets the people going like pictures of kale sautéed in extra-virgin olive oil.
  7. Fill your captions with hashtags. Don’t ever be shy about using #yolo, #blessed, or #longhairdontcare. Those are the best hashtags and they can never be overused.
  8. Anytime you have an opportunity, call out other people on Instagram who have posted pictures similar to yours, and detail to your followers how your use of filter is much more advanced and artistic.
  9. Post pictures or landscapes and ruminate in the caption about how you should, like, totally be a professional photographer like Peter Parker.
  10. Whenever you arrive in a climate that is warmer or generally nicer than where you live or came from, post a screenshot of the weather forecast for that area’s day or week.
  11. Then proceed to post pictures of yourself at the beach. But instead of focusing on the majesty that is, you know, a beach and an ocean, focus on your tanned legs as you sit in a chair and gaze out at said ocean.
  12. Finally, post a picture or two of your feet in the sand, because that’s something people just can’t usually see on a day-to-day basis. Bonus points if you caption this picture with a quote from a Kenny Chesney song.
  13. Post selfies where you’re not wearing any makeup. Caption it #nomakeup #nofilter #braveandbeautiful.
  14. Diligently Photoshop your pictures before posting them so that you can convey an aesthetic of near perfection to all of your followers.
  15. Venomously call out anyone who ever says anything about your photos that rubs you the wrong way. Hashtag it #hatersgonnahate, #donthatemecauseimbeautiful, and #jealousymakesahaterhate.
  16. Sign up for a 5K or something that is for charity, and then post self-serving photos about how great you are for working for this great cause. Don’t be afraid to hashtag it #martyr.
  17. Enlist somebody to take photos of you while you are feigning sleep, and then post them. Because you are so important that we would like to see pictures of you during all aspects of your life, except the embarrassing ones. Just make sure it’s not, like, how you actually look when you’re sleeping. You won’t get many likes if you post a picture of you spooning a body pillow.
  18. Don’t be shy about posting pictures of you working out, accompanied by motivational quotes in the captions. The regular Instagram followers of the world would like to know how that bikini body sausage is made! After all, pain is weakness leaving the body, amirite?!
  19. Post many photos where the focus is your youthful breasts, but make sure you caption it like the focus is something else, like the dog pound you are volunteering at or whatever.
  20. Use the Instagram short video feature to capture 15 or so seconds of yourself twerking. Bonus points if you reveal in the caption that you recently attended a #twerkshop.
  21. Do whatever you can to hide any parts of yourself you consider “flawed” by using strategic photographic angles, lighting, and filters.
  22. In your captions, make sure you’re always imploring people to follow your account. Sure, most of the folks who will see it will already be following you, natch, but you never know who else might stumble across it, especially if you use a popular and trending hashtag.
  23. Whenever you caption a photograph, always refer to yourself in the third person. It’s totally endearing.
  24. Quote Marilyn Monroe whenever you possibly can. Doesn’t matter if it’s relevant or not.
  25. Use captions to compare yourself to Beyoncé, and always refer to her as “Queen Bey.” Threaten to murder anybody who calls her overrated.
  26. Use as many emoticons in your captions as you can. Doesn’t matter if they have anything at all to do with your photo. In fact, the more you use that ostensibly have nothing to do with anything, the better. Because ART!