joe-picWhen you don’t have a vested interest in one of the teams playing in the Super Bowl, the two weeks between the conference championship games and the Big Game itself are some of the most annoying of the year, from a sports fan’s perspective.*

The sports media takes a brief time out from verbally fellating Tim Tebow to focus virtually all of its energy on topics concerning the two teams. But since there is no actual playing of the sport, they opt to run a ridiculous number of stories about the players, coaches, fans, etc. that people would otherwise not give any hoots about.

We call these “features.” I’ve been especially inundated with these sorts of things this year—since I live in New York City and the Super Bowl is taking place here (or, more accurately, in New Jersey).  Local media are jumping on, and refuse to get off, the redundant bandwagon.

Until recently, I was pretty apathetic about the Seattle Seahawks, if only because I was not regularly subjected to media coverage about the team. But after being force-fed oh SO much information about the team and its support system, I can say with conviction that they are the most annoying franchise in the NFL.**

I can also say with certain conviction that they are the most annoying franchise in football. Period. Including the Texas Youth Football Association.

Here are eight reasons why:

    1. The Seahawks’ secondary refer to themselves as the “Legion of Boom.” Seattle’s defense is impressively good. The squad led the entire league in scoring defense, takeaways, and interceptions this year. These stats should not be scoffed at. But there’s grace in being humble about such a thing, in just going out and dominating defensively and not, I don’t know, giving yourself your own nickname. Plus you know when Kam Chancellor is “courting” a girl, he asks her if she wants to go to “Boom Town” and get some “Bam Bam.” Whatever. Annoying.
    2. Pete Carroll is kind of the worst. For one thing, he’s most likely a 9/11 Truther, just like his Seattle-based comrade Macklemore is a 9/11 Truther. The premise that 9/11 was engineered by George W. Bush (who, cognitively speaking, may not even be as smart as Pete Carroll) is ridiculous. Also, watching the dude traipse around the sidelines aggressively chewing gum like he wants it to dissolve in his mouth is turbo-annoying. It’s like the Carroll has some sort of strange vendetta against Bazooka Joe. Or that he’s manorexic and trying to keep from snacking. Close your mouth when you chew, Pete. Have some damn manners. Plus he coached USC. #GoBears.***
    3. Marshawn Lynch is taking his adoration for Skittles way too far. For the fortunately unfamiliar, Lynch’s mother used to give him Skittles when he was playing Pop Warner ball as a child, and she called them “Power Pellets.” Again with the nicknames. Lynch has enjoyed Skittles emphatically since then (just like anybody in the world who has tried Skittles, which are arguably the best candy on the legal market). Seahawks fans have “helped” make this into a thing. They shower the gridiron with Skittles when Lynch scores. (This must be annoying to players. Imagine taking your cleated shoes off after the game only to find them riddled with pieces of crushed Skittles. One insane person in Seattle even made sausage with Skittles in it because of Lynch (which is a gross and repugnant use of Skittles and sausage). Lynch has even—just this week—signed an endorsement deal with Skittles. I love tasting the rainbow, but come on. It’s irresponsible to endorse a candy as a reason that helps you enter “Beast Mode.” Do you know how many kids have diabetes? Not to mention the almost 30 million adults with diabetes. Skittles do not push a person to the next level of athletic performance. It’s one of the very few things Skittles CAN’T do. There’s no such thing as a legal Performance Enhancing Candy.

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    1. The whole “Beast Mode” thing is simultaneously trite and annoying. Again, for the fortunately uninformed, Marshawn Lynch is nicknamed “Beast Mode.” Which I do not rightly, grammatically, understand. A person can be in Beast Mode when he or she is dominating in their specialty or field of expertise. You can enter Beast Mode. But you cannot be Beast Mode. Is Lynch Beast Mode personified? I don’t get it. Maybe it has to do with being a perpetual, Skittles-addled running back.
    2. Russell Wilson is talented and seems to be reasonably humble for such a young professional athlete who is about to play in the biggest spotlight of his career so far. But all of the stories I keep reading and seeing about his decision to grow his hair out for the season are, well, annoying. Let me be clear: Wilson’s decision to do so is not what’s annoying; it’s the attention he’s receiving about it. Wilson and his late father grew their hair out for an entire season when Wilson was in high school. Wilson is repeating that superstitious practice this year, through the conclusion of the Super Bowl. There’s nothing inherently wrong or annoying about this, but the way that the media insists on making him talk about it every day is pretty annoying. It’s probably annoying to Wilson, too.
    3. The Seattle Seahawks’ fan base has also decided to gift themselves with their own moniker: “The 12th Man.” It’s very annoying. I am always loath to admit it, but the fans of sports teams are, kind of, part of the team. They pay obnoxious amounts of money to support their team, to purchase apparel, and attend games where they are able to act completely obnoxious re: their pride re: a bunch of grown men beating the hell out of one another on a weekly basis. Seattle Seahawks fans act like they are King Awesome of Fan Mountain, because they are really loud and boisterous, which makes it difficult for visiting teams to play in CenturyLink field. And I say play “in,” not “at,” because the stadium is covered. Which gives the Seahawks a gigantic acoustic advantage.  FURTHERMORE, THEY INDISCRIMINATELY THROW SKITTLES ONTO THE FIELD. Not only is this lame and an annoyance to clean up, but it is also A COMPLETE WASTE OF SKITTLES. Nobody annoys me more than people who have the gall to waist Skittles. I am reminded of all the times I’ve been watching the Super Bowl and seen the commentators kick it to a satellite image of people serving in the armed forces, watching the game from a Middle Eastern country while they take a brief break from risking their lives. If I were a Seattle Seahawks fan, I would cease throwing Skittles around and send them to those folks, who I assume will enjoy them very much.
    4. Of course you cannot mention or write or even think about the Seattle Seahawks without mentioning Richard Sherman, who is the current flash-in-a-pan most infamous athlete in professional sports, for a myriad of unjustified reasons. I personally think that Richard Sherman is great. He’s an amazing cover corner—unarguably the best in the game, statistically speaking. Beyond that, I do not care about Richard Sherman. What’s annoying about Richard Sherman is not that he’s boisterous, or so polarizing or whatever. It’s that the media will not shut up about him. Plus, he went to Stanford. #GoBears.

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  1. The Seahawks rock the most annoying uniform color scheme in professional sports, with the potential exception of the Utah Jazz. It’s like they were trying to figure out how to brand their team, and they left the uniform decision up to a little kid who had just discovered (and maybe sniffed) green highlighters. Or eaten an entire Halloween sized bag of Skittles.

So, yeah. Go Broncos.

*Actually, I’m a Steelers fan due to regional proximity (I dug them before that d-bag Ben Roethlisberger took over under center), so these two weeks are annoying to me no matter what, even when my team is in it. I also acknowledge that the Steelers franchise is pretty extremely annoying.

**I make this claim with the caveat that the Seahawks would not be as annoying if they were left to their own devices, without the media swooping in on every little supposedly unique characteristic of the team.

***I have to say this, because my editor went to Berkeley, and I am more than happy be a fan of any school whose football team hasn’t been involved in a horrifying sex scandal.