Super Bowl Sunday to men is like what Valentine’s Day is to women. Really, really important. And while most of the time women are a welcome distraction, on High Holy Superbowl Sunday the girls that don’t know diddly about football tend to get in the way. If your lady watches and loves football as much as you, that’s awesome. Jenny from The League awesome. But if everything your girl knows about America’s past time is from watching The Blind Side, these ten tricks will make sure you’re still together by the time the Broncos win.
8. Don’t shuffle her off to the corner of the couch. If you smother her with love at the start of the game, she’ll want nothing to do with you by the end. Think, Newton’s third law of physics: When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.
7. Get her pretty drunk early on. Not in a creepy way. But in a way that makes her feel like she’s one of the boys. Part of the camaraderie. This might also mean she falls asleep before halftime.
6. Tell her to invite her friends over. This may seem obvious, but make sure she’s inviting girls over that don’t care about the Super Bowl either. So when they inevitably get bored, they leave the room. In equal measure, try to avoid inviting over your girl friends who are into football. Things will get weird and competitive. And not in a good way. It’s fine if your friends with girls. Just don’t do it on Superbowl Sunday.
5. Buy her a jersey before hand (like, tomorrow). Even if she doesn’t care about the game, or your team, or Bruno Mars, wearing a team jersey gets anyone excited.
4. Create competition. Take bets. Winner. Loser. Over. Under. If she’s got something on the line, like dog duty for a week, she’ll get into it.
3. Make a game of it. Preferably a drinking game (see #9). For instance, every time your team takes a time out. You drink. Every time a QB is sacked. You drink. Every time they cut to Pete Carroll chewing gum, you drink. This will not only facilitate drunkenness, but it will–again– make her feel like she’s part of the action, and will simultaneously teach her some football terminology. Even if she won’t remember it in the morning.
2. DVR the PuppyBowl for her. Promise to watch it together after the Seahawks lose.
1. If all of the above fail, fart. That will clear her right out. Just be warned, anything too stinky and you guys won’t be playing Seahawks and Patriots after everyone goes home.