Finally. Someone actually gets me. And by someone, I of course mean The Shriver Report (duh). Earlier this April, they (it?) came out with a survey someone thought would be cool to name Snapshot: An Insight Into The 21st Century Man.

Here lay defined the core of us 21st Century Men. How we feel about gender, sex, being a man, and our favorite department store and real estate companies (both being Century 21). In classic 21ster (as we like to be called) fashion, I want the world to know how we 21sters feel about the survey that so clearly defined how we feel.

Character, Integrity and the Shift from Mad Man to the Emotionally Intelligent Family Man

When it comes to AMC shows, I personally prefer Walking Dead to Mad Men, but basically this states we define strength in emotional rather than physical characteristics. While I’m proud to say that I’m the strongest crier you’ll ever meet, I must also admit that this stat is borne out of necessity. In general, we’re just not that physically strong. I’d love to define my strength in physical characteristics, but apparently being able to open a jar of pickles (after running it under hot water) is not considered a physical feat. 

Struggling to Evolve in an Economy That Now Includes the 21st Century Woman, Yet Very Comfortable With Women in the Workplace

So it’s friggin’ hard for us to get a job, and it’s all women’s fault ‘cause they’re taking our jobs. I mean it’s totally cool that they’re out getting jobs, they just need stay the hell away from ones we want. Honestly, I was surprised when I read this. I didn’t know that a woman was taking the job I wanted. I was also unaware that a woman could be a competitive bearder.

Today’s Man Prioritizes Family, Yet Not Comfortable in Role of Stay-At-Home Dad

BS. Total BS. We’re totes down with being stay-at-home anythings. As proven in the previous characteristic. It’s women’s fault we can’t get a job, but we’re cool with them having jobs. ‘Cause that means we can stay at home and watch Ellen while we vacuum in our boxer briefs (comfort AND support!).

Mothers Have a Huge Influence in Shaping Today’s Man into Who He Wants to Be

Very true. And I remind my mother every Mother’s Day that 83% of my fellow 21sters believes she had a positive impact. Not to worry, Pops, 74% of them say I was positively influenced by you too. 

The 21st Century Man Has Conflicting Views on Women and Masculinity

This was the “eye-opening disparity.” We want both our daughters and partners to be intelligent. But we want our daughters to be “principled,” “strong,” and “independent.” Buuuut we prefer our partners “sweet” and “attractive.” Look, that’s just pragmatism. Our daughters will most likely have to fend off attackers in the dystopian future that’s sure to come. They need to be prepared. And we prefer our partners’ sweetness because then they’re likelier to put up with all the stupid things we do (true for men of all centuries). And I think we can all agree that saying we want our daughters to be “attractive” is creepy and weird.

Oh and you can disregard the 36% of us that report feeling uncomfortable around homosexual men. They all live in a corn field in Iowa and none of us real 21sters talk to them. Besides, that stat is probably skewed because a lot of us feel uncomfortable around everyone. It’s a social awkwardness thing, not homophobia.

And finally, 73% of us say our sexual confidence is aligned with our masculinity. Well, yeah. Masculinity is defined as “possession of the qualities traditionally associated with men.” I think no one would argue that one of the trademark qualities of a man is the ‘ol twig & giggle berries. As a man, it’s tough to be sexually confident if you don’t have the thing you need to do sex.