tires

Different people react in different ways to a bad breakup, but one fact is as solid as concrete: at some point shortly after the breakup, signing up for a CrossFit class will occur. It is one small but important step in recovering from the awfulness of being dumped. (Other steps include power-drinking and rage-crying.) The act of joining CrossFit post-breakup is similar to getting a radically new haircut – only with much more vomiting.

Heath and fitness benefits aside, dipping a toe into the CrossFit lifestyle is a sure sign that you have recently been dumped in the harshest way possible. Maybe it was via text, maybe it was in public at a Starbucks, or maybe it was in your car while The Smiths’ “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” was playing on your Sirius radio – however it happened, that emotional pain led you to the physical pain that is repeated deadlifts followed by multiple wind sprints.

And that’s the beauty of the cult-like reverence people have for this workout regime. You are mentally broken so why not become physically broken (in a good way) with a bunch of like-minded people who are searching for answers as to why someone doesn’t love them anymore? You are all in the same sinking boat of depression so while you are waiting (hoping) to fall in love again you might as well get yoked. Nothing gets you in shape better than being with similar people with similar problems in a converted warehouse filled with kettle bells, medicine balls, gymnastic rings, and absolutely zero air conditioning. Crossfitters (a name I thought I made up until I Google searched it) share something special – the bittersweet sting of being recently rejected.

Really, no other workout shows you how much of a train wreck you are as a person than CrossFit. Yes, you could start running, take a kickboxing class, or even purchase the P90X videos. All of those are good, but they only say to the world, “I’m just trying to better myself in a wholehearted attempt to get centered and hopefully achieve some neutrality in my life.” Joining CrossFit shouts out to the universe in big bold letters, “I HAVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM BUT GODDAMNIT I AM GOING TO RALLY AS QUICKLY AS GODDAMN POSSIBLE TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT I AM NOT THE LOSER IT THINKS I AM.” It’s that need for drastic change that makes CrossFit so appealing to the recently dumped.

But it’s not just committing to the CrossFit lifestyle (for however long you do it) that’s important. You also have to post photos of yourself doing CrossFit. If you don’t post photos of yourself doing CrossFit, then you are not really doing CrossFit. Photos of you carrying a giant sand bag and sweating your balls off prove that you are surviving the breakup just fine. Those photos show to everyone, “Hey, I’m okay. I am not in some sort of depression spiral, sitting on the couch, eating Cool Ranch Doritos and binge-watching ‘Hoarders.’ I’ve got my personal thing together. Want proof? Look at me lifting this tire!”

It also lets your ex know that you have moved on. Yes, the breakup was awful and if you could do it all over again you would do anything to make them stay, but that was the past. You are a new and improved person who is now dedicated to making your body the best it can be while letting everyone know that you are making your body the best that it can be. So that vomit spewing out of your mouth from CrossFit is not the vomit of exhaustion. It is the vomit of a person who has taken control of their life. It is the vomit of someone who is okay with being single. It is the vomit of self-empowerment!