e-cigThis entire hubbub about the ban on electronic cigarettes and the question if they are harmful because even though they don’t contain tobacco they contain nicotine and that can increase addiction to cigarettes of any kind is just silly. People are missing the bigger picture. E-cigarettes shouldn’t be banned because of their possible harmful effects on the body. They should be banned for their absolute stupidity.

No one looks cool smoking an e-cigarette. No. One. Think of all the cool smokers in the history of cinema:

Humphrey Bogart.

James Dean.

Marlon Brando.

Robert DeNiro.

Samuel L. Jackson.

Bruce Willis.

Brad Pitt.

All of them would look utterly moronic holding an electronic cigarette. Okay, maybe Samuel L. could pull it off – and that’s a big maybe – but the rest would look about as cool as your dad, drunk at a Christmas party doing the Roger Rabbit to Young MC’s “Bust A Move.”

You know who smokes e-cigarettes?

Leonardo DiCaprio.

You know who didn’t win an Oscar?

Leonardo DiCaprio.

And it’d be a lot cooler if he did.

That little electronic glow at the end of the e-cigarette is the absolute worst. It is the glow of idiocy. It serves no purpose and has no function.  Why is it even there? To trick people into thinking they’re smoking a real cigarette? I have actually seen people tap their e-cigarette like they are tapping off the ash. And part of me wants to say, “Oh, that’s just a force of habit.” But another part of me wants to say, “This person may be the dumbest individual that ever lived.”

The names of the electronic cigarettes only hurt its crusade for coolness. Blu,  Halo, South Beach Smoke, Metro, V2 Cigs – all of these names just smack of effort. They are trying way too hard to sound hip. As bad as regular smokes are for you, at least they sound cool: Marlboro, Lucky Strike, Parliament, Chesterfield. Hell, I’d take a Pall Mall over an e-cig any day – at least it rhymes.

And, nicotine wise, if electronic cigarettes are just as bad – or even as close to bad – as regular cigarettes, then why not just smoke the real thing? At least you’ll look cooler, which is really the only reason people start smoking in the first place. The first cigarette you ever smoke is always the worst. But, like a champ, you keep at it and don’t quit until you have a full on smoking addiction. But no one starts smoking because they think it will taste good. They start smoking cause they think they’ll look cool.  And if you can’t look cool puffin’ on an electronic butt, then what’s the friggin’ point of smoking at all? Go for the traditional way of smoking, I say. Sure, you will probably die, but at least you’ll look good doing it.

It has been said that quitting smoking is as hard or harder than quitting heroine. Having known many smokers and watched them quit and restart then quit and restart; I completely believe this. But switching from regular cigarettes to electronic cigarettes is not the best solution. First of all, it is still the act of smoking. You may not be getting all that harmful tobacco smoke but simply continuing the motions of smoking may make it harder to officially quit. Secondly, so many cities are starting to ban them that the only place you’ll eventually be able to “smoke” is in your living room. And third, in case you forgot, it just looks dumb.

Regular cigarettes are already frowned upon in today’s society. Do you really want to do the fake version of something that people already have a distaste for? That’s like wearing a Speedo three sizes too small because you’re worried wearing a banana hammock to the beach is too socially unacceptable. So let’s all pull our collective personal thing together and realize that banning e-cigarettes for its ridiculousness is far more effective than banning it for any health reasons.

While we’re at it, let’s ban the term “vaping” as well. That’s just as stupid.