David Bowie

There are three irrefutable facts in this world:

1) Gravity (not the movie) is a real thing.

2) Coke will always taste better than Pepsi.

3) Women who listen to Bowie are great in bed.

Okay, numbers one and two might be debatable. (Especially number one. Gravity might just be a magic trick done by a benevolent, giant-sized sorcerer who rules over our planet.) But number three is indeed a fact set in stone. There is no greater truth than the statement that women who listen to Bowie are great in bed.

David Bowie is pure sex in human form. Everything he does has an air of sexuality to it. I am pretty sure that if you witness Bowie washing dishes you would assume that he is going to have sex with them right after. Plainly stated, the man just looks like he gets freaky. So it stands to reason that any woman who enjoys the music of a man who once referred to himself as “Ziggy Stardust” is equally as freaky.

It’s simple math, really.

Sure, there are a ton of newer musicians out there in the vein of David Bowie – Arctic Monkeys, the Killers, Radiohead, Franz Ferdinand, Vampire Weekend – but none of those really translate into sex. A woman being into the sounds of Radiohead may be cool, but that character trait just doesn’t give off that “let your freak flag fly” vibe. Now, a woman who shushes you when “Heroes” comes on her Sirius radio station, now that is a woman worth pursuing. She will fulfill all of the sexual needs you didn’t know you had.

There is a certain artistic exploration to women who are seriously into the work of Bowie (he’s always been big with the art crowd of every generation). And that form of exploration is a ridiculously seductive aphrodisiac. More importantly, that exploration carries over into the bedroom. And this is not an “I’m a hardcore porn star so let’s bang in an empty dumpster ’cause why the hell not” exploration either. This is an “I am an artist who softly weeps when I am alone listening to Nina Simone so let’s get drunk off of some table red and see how strange we can get with each other” exploration. Both scenarios are fun; but only the latter can be repeated without feeling like a complete and total scuzz ball. You have Mr. David Bowie to thank for that.

The great thing is that at first sight a woman who’s into Bowie might look the exact opposite of someone who’s good in the sack. Women who are into Bowie tend to be on the quiet side. They aren’t showy. They don’t try to stand out in a crowd. Their freakiness is on the down low and they only bring it out at the necessary moments, i.e., naked in bed. So if you are talking to a woman for the first time and she doesn’t quite seem to be floating your boat and you’re feeling a little underwhelmed by her, casually bring up the question if she is into the music of David Bowie. If her answer is, “Yeah, he’s okay,” feel free to walk away. If her answer is, “David Bowie represents everything beautiful in life,” KEEP TALKING TO HER.

See, a woman who is into David Bowie wants to have sex with David Bowie. And since that it just not the reality for any woman not named Iman, then you can be David Bowie by proxy. How? By learning as much of the man’s entire catalogue as possible. You don’t have to obsess over the deep cuts – just a general understanding of the man’s work will suffice. (Note: Don’t mention anything from the Let’s Dance album. It’s considered too commercial and you will be called out as a poser. You’re welcome.) So if you ever get the opportunity to get with a woman who is a Bowie fan, do yourself a favor and play his classic “Wild is the Wind” when you get her home. Your world will be officially rocked and you may never be the same.

You might even become a fan…of the woman as well as Bowie.